6 months cancer free

Today I am celebrating! I met with my oncologist today and my blood work looks great. I am cancer free! And yet it is an emotional roller coaster. Before I met with my oncologist I saw my plastic surgeon. There are a lot of things that no one tells you about after cancer. Should I be grateful that I am alive? Yes! And I am...

But the journey doesn't end with your last surgery or your last infusion or the last radiation session. The emotional healing is private and may be an even bigger struggle than the physical. 

Physically I am not the same. I have put on weight. I'm not as strong. When I lift anything heavy the lymphedema makes my left arm and hand swell. My back hurts every day from the surgery where they removed my back muscle to become my new breast muscle. And if you touch under my armpit I have excruciating pain from the nerves that are trying to regrow. My breasts are still numb and cold to the touch. And they are not attractive. I have Frankestein scars and hollow spots where cancerous tissue was removed and scars from my port. My breasts are set low on my torso as they are not attached to tissue and they are an odd shape. So as I am rejoicing about being cancer free my doctor asks me if I am happy with my breasts. And I burst into tears...

It's not that I'm not grateful. And I have the greatest man by my side. But I was tired of doctors and surgeries and elected not to have nipples constructed post cancer. I try to hide my body. I'm embarrassed and hesitant to be intimate unless I have something covering my breasts. My best friend even brought me a sexy, pink lace bra to help me get over my insecurities. 

But I struggle every day. The struggles are not about life or death and they may seem trivial to some but no one tells you that it takes a year or more for your eyelashes to return to normal. No one tells you your fingers and toes will always be numb. No one can predict that you will get car sick every time you drive..(radiation or chemo after effects?) No one tells you how long it takes to grow your hair back. And that it will be curly (not good curly but kinky) They help you to live and then the rest is a self esteem battle that you fight every day. I can only blame myself. I valued how I looked and I would say I was rather high maintenance. Is this society? Yes! Can I fight these feelings of inferiority? Yes! Do I have a great support system? Yes! And they say all the right things and at the right times. But when will I feel like a sexy beast again? Perhaps never. But the struggle to remind my soul every day to be grateful and to overlook these things is a battle that no one can prepare you for. And I am confident in so many ways and strong and BRAVE. But behind closed doors when I see myself and compare it to the old me it is so hard to hold to the inner beauty and courage. 

Do I share this for sympathy? No! I am wonderful and feel so grateful that I am here. Many women have lost their battle and I would never want to devalue their struggles. But so often we think that the struggles end when one trial ends. The reality is we will always have struggles and challenges. And today I hit a wall as I was rebuking myself for feeling so low when I should be celebrating. I know the steps to take to fix my self image. But it easier to say than to actually convince myself that I am telling the truth. My husband is amazing! I often wish that the compliments he gives me could sink in. 

As a little girl I would read a story called "Leo the Lop". It was about a bunny whose ears wouldn't stand up. He tried to tie them up, he hung upside down, anything to get his ears to look like the other bunnies. How I feel like this sweet bunny who years later is hopping back into my life to remind me that I am unique and beautiful. And I remember watching "Dancing with the Stars" and watching a contestant look in the mirror at his missing arm and leg. Who am I to complain? But Julianne Hough commented that we all look in the mirror and wish we could change something. Instead of wishing we were different maybe society needs to reframe how we make others feel insecure. Do we build up those around us? Are we giving the important things in our lives? 

As I continue my daily battle with my insecurities I hope that we all can overcome our battles and find a peace and serenity to fill our lives. Enjoy your floppy ears and enjoy every day! 

(One year ago!)

Reconstruction

I have boobs!!! Okay I have fake ones. It has been one week since my surgery and every day gets a little better. The surgery took about 6 hours and they removed my tissue expanders, removed the port, did a skin graft from my back to use for the left breast (radiation made my skin too thin), and cut the muscle from my back to move it around to become the new muscle for my left breast. Did you know that you cannot ice skin after a skin graft? I didn't! And no caffeine or chocolate because it prevents the skin from healing. Crazy! I was a little concave on the right side so I have 800 cc's on that side and 700 cc's on the left. For my implant friends you just chocked when you heard that number thinking I have Double Gg's!! But no they are just a nice size but that tells you how much tissue was removed in the first place.

 I spent three days and two nights up at the hospital and was grateful for everyone who helped take care of my home and family. Cari was amazing feeding the kids on Tuesday and my mom and dad kept them entertained and fed for lunches and took them to Lagoon. AnJanette fed us all on Thursday the night I got home. Thank you! I saw my dad first when I got out if surgery and I loved that he was there with Joey. MiKell brought me flowers and took me for my first walk down the hallway at the hospital and didn't say anything when I my hospital gown fell open :) Leana brought me my favorite treat in the world: 

Banbury Cinnamon Donut! Yum! Thank you everyone!

Thank you toy sweet husband for sleeping at the hospital and not leaving my side for 5 days! And my children were so patient and helpful. 

Most of my pain is from the eight inch incision on my back and from the tubes and drains that are coming out if my body. We have to strip tgem and drain them twice a day for 2-3 weeks. Ugh! I have one more day to recover and then I report back to the classroom for a new teaching year. 

I have four more infusions and by the end of October my fight will be done! I did it!!  I see the end to this long year. Thank you for all the love and support! 

Memories

Now that I have shared memories about my grandparents it is time for Joey to share some of his: 

"I have loved looking through old scrapbooks and sharing my memories with Lisa. In fact, I am grateful for the opportunity to share these memories with my kids. 

Grandma Beth is strong and sassy! She took the us to Lagoon every year. What a brave woman! She loves the color red. And it fits. She grew up on a farm. One day her brothers (she had 6 brothers!) asked her to help them milk the cows and her mom told her the best thing she could do would be to do a bad job so they wouldn't ask her to do hard jobs in the future. She always looks beautiful and put together. She taught me the value of a strong, independent woman. As an adult I had the opportunity to spend time overnight in the hospital while she was battling pneumonia and she told me stories all night and I discovered my love for my family history. My favorite stories were the legacy of my heritage that fought during World War II. I think this is part of why I love studying history. She has taught me what strength is through her example.

My grandpa, Melic, went by the Lebanese word for grandpa and we all called him Ghidi. In fact, many people actually thought this was his name, even my friends called him Ghidi. After World War II, he started a furniture store that was very small and it gradually increased in size over the years to become one of the largest furniture stores in the state at that time. You could see the growth that came from his ambition and drive. He was very successful in business and I strive to emulate this in my own professional career. Starting at a very young age, I worked for him at his furniture store and I learned the value of hard work. I also remember him telling me that if you are going to do a job do it to your best ability the first time. And he taught me the beauty of kind words. I watched him make his customers feel amazing and he was smooth! I often find myself talking to my clients and using my Ghidi's kind words and feel grateful for this example. It doesn't matter if they were buying an end table or an entire room ... He made them all feel like a million dollars. My grandpa attended all of my sporting events and was one of my biggest supporters. And he taught me that is important to keep yourself in physical shape. He played football at the U and competed in track and field. He was a champion wrestler. Even after he was diagnosed with cancer we had to fight him to quit lifting furniture. He was extremely strong physically and I thank him for those great genetics. 

My grandma Katie is very adventurous. She has always lived life to the fullest. She worked hard to get her nursing degree and worked her way to the top of St. Mark's Hospital. She always took time in the summers to take us on trips all over the western United States. We went to national parks, rafting rivers, snow skiing, and even slept in a tee pee on an Indian reservation. We fished more rivers and caught more fish than you could imagine. We hiked and saw the world. She taught me how to golf. In fact, you can still find her out on the golf course now. She also knew how to deal with fighting boys. We would start fighting on road trips and she would warn us and if we didn't shape up she would pull over and make us walk. And true to her word there were a few country roads that we had to walk. She would make us get out of the car and we had to walk about 45 minutes to catch up to where she was waiting with the car. She would pull over and tell us to get out and we didn't think she was serious. She would point to a mountain off in the distance and tell us she would be up there taking a nap. And sure enough we would find her napping or doing a crossword puzzle while waiting for us! She was amazing to take three teenage boys on vacation.  It was a valuable lesson and we thought twice before we fought on the next road trip. She loves her routines and I think that is where I learned the comfort in structure. She loves PBS! In fact, she receives free cable but disconnected it because all she watches is her shows on PBS! And she always had a never ending cookie jar! 

I am grateful for the heritage and legacy of my grandparents. I'm not ready to be a grandparent, although my oldest kids could make me a grandpa anytime! But I have great examples to follow and hope to build many memories for my own legacy."

Legacy

When you reach the end of your days what is the legacy that you leave behind? Some loved ones leave earlier than we wish and some live long lives.... But they all leave memories and stories that we will carry on for years. As we have been deep cleaning we have found things that remind us of those we love and Joey and I have been sharing stories about our grandparents, which seems appropriate as we celebrate our Pioneer heritage this time of year. 

My only living grandma, Needra, has filled up many memories in my heart. And she still is.... She is the only person I can call to talk about my guilty pleasure from watching reality tv! My favorite vacations with her were to California where we all stayed in beach houses and to Yellowstone. She always took me to Riverton Drug so I could get a coloring book and a treat if I was spending the weekend. I loved sleeping over except when my cousins and I would stay up too late and creep each other out in her big house where chandeliers looked like monkeys at 2 am!! As a young kid I hated eating my vegetables and I rarely cleared my plate. When my parents would turn around or leave the room, Grandma would always make my uneaten food disappear!! I love her many artistic talents. She can play the organ and paint! She is humble and wears her heart on her sleeve.

Grandpa Turner, Frank, was the adventure junkie. He was the jock, the SBO of Spanish Fork, and a hottie!!! He was an expert hunter and fisherman. He was skilled in construction and you can still find his hotels and restaurants that he built and ran in West Yellowstone. We loved his ranch in Hi-County Estates. Those were quite the Easter egg hunts. We loved feeding his horse Kasar apples and we loved the indoor pool. But I most remember spending time at Firehole River having sunbathing contests. And now he has built and left this cabin in Heber and every thing there reminds me of him. He loved ice cream and puzzles. I don't love puzzles... But I think the love for ice dream has passed down through each generation. What a man!

Grandma Hilton was my second mom. I talked to her many times a week. Sometimes I needed a secret recipe and other times I just wanted to here the latest gossip. She showed me what a wife can do to really honor a husband. She fixed three meals a day and kept the cleanest home ever! All of my best recipes come from her. And boy could she do Thanksgiving! We had a club and she joined us for fun activities. I loved going to Wendover with her and still think of her when I see a Cleopatra slot machine. My favorite memory has to be in high school when my friends went with me to St. George and we crashed the car. But our spring break was not over.... Grandma drove us around in her minivan and picked up guys for us by yelling out her car window!! And she even got some to follow us back to her house. I loved her sassy spunk and that every kid thought they were her favorite!

Grandpa Hilton, Leonard, was one of the hardest working men I have known. He worked his way from a janitor at OC Tanner to President of manufacturing. I blame him for my love of jewelry. He taught me to be an optimist. He taught me how to save money and to budget. I still have my silver dollars he gave me as a kid. And he create a sports fan!! I loved going to Crown Burger before the Jazz games. He always had a pastrami burger! And as we'd watch the games he taught me the rules. It paid off when I would find myself on a date and understood screens, 3 seconds in the key, etc. I loved these games.... And the treats. He always got DOTS at six minutes before the half. Thank you Grandpa for teaching me so many life lessons.

Do you wonder what legacy we are passing on? Are we spending enough time bonding with our kids in this age of technology? Turn off the tv and go teach them how to play Hearts! What will our kids and grandkids remember? I hope I can be even a fraction as amazing as my grandparents. 

Summertime

I can't help but think about the song we sang in church as my summer draws to a close. "What do you do in the summertime?" My summer was so fast and very much needed after the past ten months. 

I played hard!

We vacationed with a great group of 25 friends to Lake Powell. I was careful to watch the sun after my radiation. Otherwise I felt like my old self! I loved enjoying my kids and watching them play Monopoly, wakeboard, wake surf, tube, fish, hike, and karaoke! And Greyden got to take his siblings and dad up in his plane.

We spent a lot of time in Yellowstone. We saw an old ghost town, swam in Firehole River, enjoyed the park, and took ATV rides. The girls rode horses and the kids enjoyed zip lines, more fishing and climbing. And a visit to The Playmill to watch Les Mis. We were able to take two long trips up there this summer. 

We spent time at the cabin in Heber and enjoyed our new puppy that was our blessing from the breeder after we lost the puppy in January. 

So we welcomed a new family member!

Coco went to hunting school:

And Bailey got to spend a good portion of the summer in Yellowstone with grandma!

The kids stayed busy.

Greyden and Gage are both living, working and playing in California. 

Cassidy is growing up too fast but we are grateful for every moment we get to share with her. 

Savy went to Beehive Camp, ran another Ragnar race with her mom and went on Pioneer Trek. 

Mikayla went to youth conference and is headed to EFY next week.

And Dallas went to Bear Lake for a whole week for scout camp.

We spent the 4th at Oakridge and loved the fireworks. And the 24th was spent up in the mountains away from the heat!

Joey and I spent a weekend in Park City and watched Kevin Bacon shake it on stage!! And spent some great times with the Berkshire Hathaway Group. 

I became a little bit vain again..... I got my first haircut to trim around my ears AND I got my eyelash extensions back on!  I had to put on acrylic toenails for the summer since chemo made five toenails fall off! And I spent a lot of time reading books and watching tv. I loved every second of these guilty pleasures!

Medically I still attend infusions every three weeks. I just get Herceptin and there and no bad side effects. I had another ECHO to check for damage to my heart and the had to do a contrast echo because of my expanders. And the best news of all is that I am post-menopause!! Tender mercy brought on by chemo at the age of 39. I'm so glad the hot flashes are over!! (And other things!!) Every day I get more energy and feel better. The only struggle that I face daily is the pain from the expanders and the lymphedema in my left arm. I did find a lump in my arm pit that we are watching, but we are hoping it is clogged lymph nodes and not anything else. I have surgery in 2 weeks and they will determine at that point what they are dealing with. 

Joey has been busy selling homes and helping buyers. He has even been to Ephraim helping buyers. I love watching him work hard. And thank you to those who have used his services. It has been a blessing for us to not only keep him busy and focused, but even with insurance cancer is expensive and Joey works hard so that I don't have to worry! Keep sending him your business!! He is the best!

In the past 2 weeks I have been nesting and preparing for this grueling surgery that is around the corner. I have clean every drawer and cupboard and closet in the house. I even organized the garage and the crawl space. Now I need to get my yard in shape before I am limited for six weeks. 

I am going to get my classroom ready the beginning of August so that I am prepared to go and have surgery on Aug 12th. It is a three day hospital stay and then hopefully a quick recovery since I start teaching August 25th. I am hoping they remove the port at the same time since I will only have four more infusions left. 

The reconstructive surgery is called a latissimus dorsi breast reconstruction method that uses tissue flaps in your upper back. 

"What is Latissimus Dorsi Tissue Flap Breast Reconstruction?

The latissimus dorsi is a tissue flap procedure that uses muscle and skin from your upper back to create a new breast mound after a mastectomy. An ellipse of skin and your latissimus dorsi muscle will be tunneled from your upper back to your mastectomy area to create your reconstructed breast. Your reconstructed breast will not look and feel exactly the same as your natural breast."  

I have been grateful for those tender wishes and moments that many of you share with me. you know who you are and I am grateful to you. So what did I do in the summertime when all the world was green? 

I vacationed a lot....

Saw doctors and thought....

How happy I am to be here and look at the blue, blue sky......

"Is that what you do? So do I."

Enjoy the rest of your summer and be grateful for every moment with your loved ones.