But the journey doesn't end with your last surgery or your last infusion or the last radiation session. The emotional healing is private and may be an even bigger struggle than the physical.
Physically I am not the same. I have put on weight. I'm not as strong. When I lift anything heavy the lymphedema makes my left arm and hand swell. My back hurts every day from the surgery where they removed my back muscle to become my new breast muscle. And if you touch under my armpit I have excruciating pain from the nerves that are trying to regrow. My breasts are still numb and cold to the touch. And they are not attractive. I have Frankestein scars and hollow spots where cancerous tissue was removed and scars from my port. My breasts are set low on my torso as they are not attached to tissue and they are an odd shape. So as I am rejoicing about being cancer free my doctor asks me if I am happy with my breasts. And I burst into tears...
It's not that I'm not grateful. And I have the greatest man by my side. But I was tired of doctors and surgeries and elected not to have nipples constructed post cancer. I try to hide my body. I'm embarrassed and hesitant to be intimate unless I have something covering my breasts. My best friend even brought me a sexy, pink lace bra to help me get over my insecurities.
But I struggle every day. The struggles are not about life or death and they may seem trivial to some but no one tells you that it takes a year or more for your eyelashes to return to normal. No one tells you your fingers and toes will always be numb. No one can predict that you will get car sick every time you drive..(radiation or chemo after effects?) No one tells you how long it takes to grow your hair back. And that it will be curly (not good curly but kinky) They help you to live and then the rest is a self esteem battle that you fight every day. I can only blame myself. I valued how I looked and I would say I was rather high maintenance. Is this society? Yes! Can I fight these feelings of inferiority? Yes! Do I have a great support system? Yes! And they say all the right things and at the right times. But when will I feel like a sexy beast again? Perhaps never. But the struggle to remind my soul every day to be grateful and to overlook these things is a battle that no one can prepare you for. And I am confident in so many ways and strong and BRAVE. But behind closed doors when I see myself and compare it to the old me it is so hard to hold to the inner beauty and courage.
Do I share this for sympathy? No! I am wonderful and feel so grateful that I am here. Many women have lost their battle and I would never want to devalue their struggles. But so often we think that the struggles end when one trial ends. The reality is we will always have struggles and challenges. And today I hit a wall as I was rebuking myself for feeling so low when I should be celebrating. I know the steps to take to fix my self image. But it easier to say than to actually convince myself that I am telling the truth. My husband is amazing! I often wish that the compliments he gives me could sink in.
As a little girl I would read a story called "Leo the Lop". It was about a bunny whose ears wouldn't stand up. He tried to tie them up, he hung upside down, anything to get his ears to look like the other bunnies. How I feel like this sweet bunny who years later is hopping back into my life to remind me that I am unique and beautiful. And I remember watching "Dancing with the Stars" and watching a contestant look in the mirror at his missing arm and leg. Who am I to complain? But Julianne Hough commented that we all look in the mirror and wish we could change something. Instead of wishing we were different maybe society needs to reframe how we make others feel insecure. Do we build up those around us? Are we giving the important things in our lives?
As I continue my daily battle with my insecurities I hope that we all can overcome our battles and find a peace and serenity to fill our lives. Enjoy your floppy ears and enjoy every day!
(One year ago!)
