Optimist

As a young girl my favorite place to visit was my grandparents house. It always felt like home and the sounds and smells are still vivid in my memory. At the top of the stairs my grandpa had the "Optimist Creed" framed on the wall:

I have always considered myself a pretty positive person..... Until cancer. Joey is very much an optimist and despite what you may perceive I am a "glass half empty" kind of gal. I guess most of the time I am happy and positive but later I find it harder and harder to be nice and keep things on the bright side. 

You know when you have a cold or the flu and you just don't feel nice? I haven't had a feel good day since before chemo #3. I had a cold most of that infusion cycle and then the allergic reaction on #4. And finally on chemo #5 I only had 10 bad days and I have felt better for the past 6 days. But I hit rock bottom last Saturday..... Hard to admit.... Hard to overcome. Sometimes we just find ourselves in a position where we don't feel well and we hot a breaking point. Mine came as I was driving home from the instacare with a script for a z-pack and a diagnosis of the start of walking pneumonia. And I was SO tired of being sick. And when you feel sick you aren't nice to the people who love you most. As I drove home I realized my mistakes and knew that this negativity was hurting my whole family. I was sobbing and went home and shut myself in my closet to cry some more. And then my pity party was over....  I share this because I learned a valuable lesson. How do we pull ourselves out of depression and negativity? How do we create a sense of optimism when we feel the world crumbling around us?

I realized that I was letting cancer take over. It was dictating my life and my mood. And this was filtering into my kids and my husband. So I needed to find myself again. 

A friend asked me a question the other day. What would be the saddest thing that could ever happen to you? For me and for most of us it is when we lose a family member. Why? Because family should be the most important thing in our lives. 

Here I was going to work and holding it together and being tough all day only to come home and fall apart. I would escape to my bed alone and the kids were fending for themselves. What if this was terminal cancer? Wouldn't I want to spend all of my moments withy family making memories and showing them love? 

So after my pity party I put on my big girl panties and decided it was time to take charge of my emotions. I knew I needed to do some things for myself that would lift my spirits. I got a pedicure, read a book, went golfing, watched a television show, and had a big Diet Coke. Then my happiness meter went up so that I could do fun things with my family. We went to a movie, took the kids golfing, helped them with homework, cooked a meal so we could all eat together, etc. And what happened? The happiness I exuded was contagious and our house reacted with smiles and love and that in turn boosted my spirits even more. 

So every day I am feeling happy and trying to look for positive ways to build more happiness in my life and in my home. And guess what? I feel healthier!! I am ready for my last chemo. Abs grandpa would be so proud of me because I am morphing into a "glass half full" kind of gal! I learned a lot over the past few weeks and I know that you can never be too low to find a way out of your despair. It may not be easy and our tendencies may lead us to find the negative but it is possible to alter our thinking and find the positive. Thank you to my loved ones and dear friends who helped me find myself again. I love you!

Happily Ever After

"What is an Anniversary?

An anniversary is a sign to everyone that "happily ever after" is possible-

Not the fairy tale state of perfection, but the genuine, honest love that is strong enough to rise above any challenge life can throw our way."

A year ago I married my best friend and in that year we have had many challenges thrown our way. I mean how many people spend their first anniversary in a chemo infusion lab? But yet he is my "happily ever after" and although it may not be a fairy tale.... It is honest and genuine. 

Our deepest regret is that we haven't had enough time together as a couple. We want to go back in our lives and experience so many things together side by side. But time is against us and we only have the future to build memories and make up for our lack of years together. We always say that one year of cancer equals seven years of normal marriage! But we decided that we would buy each other watches to symbolize this  humbling challenge of time and to remind ourselves to fall in love time and again with each other. 

Happy Anniversary my love! 

Warmth from friends

My mother-in-law participates in a quilting group on Wednesdays. She meets with some wonderful women in her Centerville 5th ward. And a few weeks ago they made me a beautiful pink quilt. It is amazing and it touched my heart.

The pink backing is minky and is SO soft.

And the front is cute breast cancer signs. (I was looking at my arm in this picture... Notice my bruises? My blood platelets get so low that I bruise from anything. The top bruise was from when Joey was pretending to be a vampire and bit my arm! He was so embarrassed when it caused bruising AND when the doctor asked how I got the bruise. I didn't hold back- just told them my husband thinks he is a vampire!!)

This cute group of friends and paying it forward and providing me with warmth and comfort. Thank you!

I can't express completely the impact my friends have on me and the warmth they provide in my life right now. They help me look at the big picture and keep things in perspective when life gets hard and it feels like it will never end. It is just like putting a quilt together. They take scraps and create a masterpiece. All of these lessons I am learning are overwhelming, hard, and sometimes seem useless. But when I stop to look at the big picture I notice the blessings that are created from the useless, hard scraps in my life. Thank you friends for being my life quilt!

Hug someone today

As I was driving in the car a song became in that I had never heard before. It just seemed to fit my life perfectly. 

"Let me hold you"

By Josh Krajcik

When the dark clouds come your way
When your demons can't be tamed
When your last straw starts to break
and you feel your heart can't take anymore
when your second chance is gone
when you're barely hanging on
when you're tired of being strong, and you don't know where to run anymore

I wanna take away the hurts
but I just don't have the words
Let me hold you
Let me hold you tight
Let me hold you
Just let me hold you tonight...

When the shadow's always there
When you can't come up for air
When tomorrow seems to lead nowhere
and there's no answer to your prayer anymore

I wanna take away the hurts
but I just don't have the words
Let me hold you
Let me hold you tight
Let me hold you
Just let me hold you tonight...

Let me hold you
Let me hold you
Let me hold you tight
Let me hold you
It's all that I can do...tonight.

Joey has to hug me carefully and sometimes hesitates because I often have pain from the port or the expanders. But one thing that works well is when I sit on his lap while he is lounging in his recliner. He just holds me. And it works well. Almost every night you can find me in his arms as we watch television or just talk. It doesn't change the day or made me better, but it eases the sorrow and helps us connect. 

Sometimes you have to find ways to reconnect and not allow cancer to run your life. So last weekend my brother was playing for a Vienna Ball with the Salt Lake Symphony. I bought tickets and asked my husband to go to the dance with me. Literally, I sent him flowers at work and asked him to the dance. And as we danced together and he held me we didn't think about our circumstances. We just held each other and connected.

A hug is something that eases the pain. It  helps you to face the world and the dark clouds. The demons that try to prevent you from being strong can be tamed with a hug. We can't always take away the hurt or pain that a loved one may be experiencing. There are many days that Joey  wants to fix things. He wants to take the cancer away. But he can hold me. And when I'm barely hanging on a hug can change my day. Look around and find someone to hug. 

Enjoy Life

I was taught a valuable lesson the other day. I was grocery shopping at Target and ran into a good friend that I haven't seen in over a year. As she began to talk to me I could tell that something wasn't quite right. She proceeded to tell me that she was struggling with her speech and that if takes her awhile to communicate and that she wanted me to be patient. It was then that I realized something had happened and I felt like a horrible friend. 

For the past year she has had many medical issues and the doctors have had a hard time diagnosing and treating her. They began with a hysterectomy and when that didn't help they tried other options. Things got to the point that three weeks ago she had a minor stroke while driving on the freeway and her sister had to perform life saving measures on the side of the road. Consequently her speech was now compromised and she felt confused and scared and frustrated. 

If was at this moment that I was humbled to realize that my insignificant health problems could be so much worse. I left Target in tears and couldn't give her enough love. I kept hugging her because I was grateful for my own health and my heart was breaking for her and her husband. 

Bad stuff happens to us all and we need to not worry about all of those bad moments and enjoy the good things I our life. If I was unable to get a sentence out I would want to hide in my bedroom and not talk at all. But here she was out with a smile doing her grocery shopping and not letting it keep her down. And she took the time to stop and say hi and check on me. What a valuable life lesson! Keep living life. . . 

Connect with friends. . . 

Don't ever let our health stop us from living. 

And most if all lean on your friends and never let an opportunity pass you by to give someone a hug!

Dammit

It has been a few weeks since I have written anything. I am just so tired all the time. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of this path. I just want this year to be over and to be cancer free. 

During my low immunity I caught a little cold and I have been running a fever for over a week. My blood has been tested and it isn't a bacterial infection but just a virus. The problem with a virus for any if us is that they linger forever. When you are going through chemo you double that recovery time. It sucks! But I know that when this is all over I will be able to look back and remember my strength. I will remember that I can do hard things. I can feel sick and still work and do laundry and pick up the house and teach primary, etc. I can fall down and pull myself together and I will be stronger from these struggles. 

But in the meantime it doesn't make it any easier. Thanks to my support system I can get through my days and when I don't want to pick myself up I will get a loving text or a sweet card or small gift that reminds me that I am not alone. Thank you. And in those days when it just doesn't seem like there is an end insight I can be mad and vent. 

MiKell gave me this super cute doll to get me through those days. It is a dammit doll! 

"Whenever things don't go so well,

And you want to hit the wall and tell, 

Here's a little dammit doll,

That you can't do without. 

Just grasp it firmly by the legs

And find a place to slam it. 

And as you whack the stuffing out

Yell "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!"