I have always considered myself a pretty positive person..... Until cancer. Joey is very much an optimist and despite what you may perceive I am a "glass half empty" kind of gal. I guess most of the time I am happy and positive but later I find it harder and harder to be nice and keep things on the bright side.
You know when you have a cold or the flu and you just don't feel nice? I haven't had a feel good day since before chemo #3. I had a cold most of that infusion cycle and then the allergic reaction on #4. And finally on chemo #5 I only had 10 bad days and I have felt better for the past 6 days. But I hit rock bottom last Saturday..... Hard to admit.... Hard to overcome. Sometimes we just find ourselves in a position where we don't feel well and we hot a breaking point. Mine came as I was driving home from the instacare with a script for a z-pack and a diagnosis of the start of walking pneumonia. And I was SO tired of being sick. And when you feel sick you aren't nice to the people who love you most. As I drove home I realized my mistakes and knew that this negativity was hurting my whole family. I was sobbing and went home and shut myself in my closet to cry some more. And then my pity party was over.... I share this because I learned a valuable lesson. How do we pull ourselves out of depression and negativity? How do we create a sense of optimism when we feel the world crumbling around us?
I realized that I was letting cancer take over. It was dictating my life and my mood. And this was filtering into my kids and my husband. So I needed to find myself again.
A friend asked me a question the other day. What would be the saddest thing that could ever happen to you? For me and for most of us it is when we lose a family member. Why? Because family should be the most important thing in our lives.
Here I was going to work and holding it together and being tough all day only to come home and fall apart. I would escape to my bed alone and the kids were fending for themselves. What if this was terminal cancer? Wouldn't I want to spend all of my moments withy family making memories and showing them love?
So after my pity party I put on my big girl panties and decided it was time to take charge of my emotions. I knew I needed to do some things for myself that would lift my spirits. I got a pedicure, read a book, went golfing, watched a television show, and had a big Diet Coke. Then my happiness meter went up so that I could do fun things with my family. We went to a movie, took the kids golfing, helped them with homework, cooked a meal so we could all eat together, etc. And what happened? The happiness I exuded was contagious and our house reacted with smiles and love and that in turn boosted my spirits even more.
So every day I am feeling happy and trying to look for positive ways to build more happiness in my life and in my home. And guess what? I feel healthier!! I am ready for my last chemo. Abs grandpa would be so proud of me because I am morphing into a "glass half full" kind of gal! I learned a lot over the past few weeks and I know that you can never be too low to find a way out of your despair. It may not be easy and our tendencies may lead us to find the negative but it is possible to alter our thinking and find the positive. Thank you to my loved ones and dear friends who helped me find myself again. I love you!
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