'Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and thoughts fill my heart ,

Of loved ones that support me and the love that they impart. 

The gifts are ready and Santa will stop
Amazon is a blessing so that he can still shop.

The children still anticipate Christmas and feel the magic,  Life moves on and it doesn't matter if your mom is sick.

My head is cold and covered with a fleece hat, Emotions are on a roller coaster and are anything but flat-

I think about life and what really does matter, To when things seemed simple and I was a little fatter!

I try to be more patient and not quite as rash, To think about the true meaning of the holidays and not just the cash.

Cancer gives you insight to life lesson's you might miss, and you think twice before you begrudge and moan and hiss.

What is that lesson that cancer caused to appear? To appreciate each moment and not live with the fear.

To love those around you and not focus on being sick, to take some deep breaths and not to judge too quick. 

It's hard to fight the fight and Cancer is so lame, but sometimes you just need to right words to win the game:

Let's dream, and believe, and hug and care, Keep fighting, dreaming, believing and share;

Cancer will eventually enter our lives one and all, the trick is to figure out how to beat it and not fall.

As we meet this challenge we find wings that help us fly, for some it means a survivor but others a home in the sky;

If I can look back on this time and see how I grew, I would hold each cancer patient and tell them what I knew...

I would share all the answers in hopes to give them hope, to connect our stories and create a survivor's rope. 

And you will hear me exclaim at the end of this night, That I will continue this journey and not give up the fight.

This year I can't help but wonder what if this was my last Christmas? Who have I offended? Were my last words to my loved ones kind? Did I need to get angry at that driver that cut me off? What is important in life?

I am so grateful for the example of the Savior. The silver lining of cancer.... It makes you slow down and perhaps treat other with more love. "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night."

A cups vs C cups

So today was the next appointment for the expansion. Actually we were supposed to have it done by a nurse on Friday, but she didn't feel comfortable with how the skin was healing in the left side and so we held off until today to meet with the doctor.... And we didn't get good news.

Because my incision wasn't healed before we started chemotherapy the skin is having a hard time repairing itself. So by this point I would be well in my way to reconstruction, but without the white blood cells in my body I am not healing fast enough. So my options are to wait and see if overtime it will eventually heal, but hopefully avoid infection during that time. The downside to this is that there will be limited time to expand after chemo if we begin radiation. So I would stay an A cup. 

The other alternative is to do an outpatient surgery in between chemo treatments and hope that my white blood cell counts are up in that day. Thus would allow the surgeon to take out all of the skin that isn't healing and that looks infected. He would then restitch things up and we would hopefully have efficient healing with enough time to expand. 

I guess at this point I don't care so much about size and boobs!! They are the enemy! But yet I want to feel normal when this is all done. So the plan is to do the outpatient surgery on December 30th. And then I have a few days to heal before my chemo in January 2nd. 

Bald and Beautiful

Shaving my head a few weeks ago was challenging but nothing compared to having Joey shave me bald. My hair was falling out in chunks and then I had remaining pieces that looked so odd. So he very gently took care of my head. 

He used his shaving brush and with each shaving stroke he kissed my bald head. It was a very intimate moment that is hard to describe in words. But it was just the two of us in that moment. 

The tears were inevitable. I felt ugly and was worried that it just might never grow back. Joey continued to kiss me and remind me of my beauty. But I absolutely look like a cancer patient now. And my head is always cold! It will take about three months after chemo until my hair will start to grow back in..... So until summer this is me!

Be Brave

Tonight my high school bestie invited me to her studio. Off to Bountiful School of Ballet to see Megan. This is us at our 20 year reunion with Sally!! 

Her students had a dance they have been learning for a few weeks that they were dedicating to me. And to other survivors and loved ones fighting cancer. They were dancing on point to Brave by Sara Barellis. And it was choreographed by my dance teacher from when I was a young girl... Sharon Day. And they girls were beautiful and their souls told me through their dance to be brave. These girls wearing their breast cancer "Fight like a Girl" and giving their love and support through their talent.  

And then I ran into my other mom in high school, Kate. And then I saw my coach that worked with me for five years while I was the cheer advisor at Davis High, Shelley.... And the tears just couldn't be held back. 

I am just in awe at the love and support I feel from our community and from friends who will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you to these ladies and my friends for reminding me to Be Brave!

Loved ones give me hope

Today was my 2nd round of chemo and I wasn't nervous at all. It won't be easy but I think that knowing what to expect makes it more bearable. I again happen to be very grateful for my port. It makes it so easy for them to draw my blood and to insert my chemo meds. Lab work went smoothly and my blood results were awesome! That means I am healthy enough for them to kill my cells again. Is it twisted that they are so joyful that you are healthy and they get to insert that poison....

Dr. Ward spent so much time asking me about every symptom... He wanted to know days, symptoms, how long they lasted, etc. I need to keep track of this better. But I was so comforted that they really wanted to know and they care! In fact, I'm sure they get the same symptoms over and over and yet they were so patient and addressed every concern.

No more expansion for a bit. My skin is just not healing very quickly on the left side. This was a bit concerning but I am confident in their ability to do things in the right time and have trust in my doctors. 

Today I asked my mom to bring me to chemo for a couple of reasons: my mom wants to be involved and it gives Joey a break!  It was actually a really nice day with my mom. We went to Einstein's on the way up, we had lunch, we played on our electronic devices, we tried to read our books, we watched mindless television and we mostly just talked and talked! Joey would be there every time if it were up to him, but we realized that I need him to care for me most when I get home. But I still couldn't keep him away...he was up here not long after we left. He stayed for a visit and it felt nice to have them both there. I still wonder if my mom was there to hold my hand or work a puzzle in the waiting room!!! I couldn't keep her away from the puzzles....

My mom received well wishes from neighbors last night that remembered today was our next chemo. I received so many texts and Facebook messages of support over the past couple of days. Joey keeps getting love and support. I was watching Obama on the news while I was at chemo and he stated that he felt very hopeful about America. The statement hit me because although I may not agree with his statement I can honestly say that the word hopeful really stuck out in my mind. I was hopeful today. I am hopeful that I will beat this. I am hopeful that I will be a survivor.

And after watching this cute lady spin for the showcase showdown..... ( she spinned so hard she actually fell on her butt and couldn't stand up without Drew Carrey's help! And she got $1.00 and had to spin again and fell on her butt again!) How awesome that she was so happy! And Bob Barker is 90!!! And her competitor was wearing birthday balloons in her pigtails. And she was happy wearing that on national television!! For sure I can go out with a bald head!!! And I haven't watched that show in ages.... I just feel so happy with my outlook! I have HOPE! 

Today at chemo they had a therapy dog that decided to jump on my lap and give me some love. What a fun job! Go visit cancer patients and give them HOPE! And how cute is this.... The dog performs in a dog version of the Nutcracker!! 

The only thing that always concerns me is the fact that they put in yellow hazmat suits in order to administer your meds. Yup!!! They are nervous to get any drops on themselves but they are putting this IN my body! The only nasty part I feel is the saline flush....Gross! I have to drink juice or suck on a candy or the taste is unbearable. And the gas bubbles and nausea start coming within about 15 minutes of the start of infusion.

So 2nd round of chemo is done and now I am prepared for the side effects. But I am not facing this alone. Thank you to all my loved ones that give me support. To Michelle Feerin who is bringing me dinner tonight during her busiest night ever....To Kim Ball for the impromptu gift of chocolates and jokes.... To Natalie Jackson for the impromptu gift of music...To Kathryn and Rob Rey for teaching for me....To Megan and her dancers for inspiring me through dance... I appreciate all the encouragement and hope you give me. (I'm sure I'm forgetting someone...Sorry!)

Tuesday night I started to feel a cold coming in. Sore throat, sinus congestion, ear aches. I so didn't want to have to fight a cold with chemo. I have washed my hands so much my cuticles are splitting and I use hand sanitizer all the time but somehow my immunity wasn't strong enough to fight off this virus. And so with HOPE I bravely push onward. What other choice is there? But I think hope is sometimes all you need. 

Chemo Brain is Real

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America..."

And then it happened.... Chemo Brain. I couldn't remember the rest of the pledge. We say it everyday at school and I forgot the words.... 

So in order to not look stupid I fake coughed and just tried to pretend I knew the rest but couldn't say it due to my coughing. 

At parent teacher conferences I had a parent join me that I love and have taught two of their children.... And I couldn't remember their name. 

I forgot to take Mikayla to guitar...

I forgot to go see Megan one night....

I forget and I forget and I forget ....

The American Cancer Society defines chemo brain as the following:

What is chemo brain?

Here are just a few examples of what patients call chemo brain:

• Forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling (memory lapses)
• Trouble concentrating (they can’t focus on what they’re doing, have a short attention span, may “space out”)
• Trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events
• Trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking, without losing track of one task (they are less able to do more than one thing at a time)
• Taking longer to finish things (disorganized, slower thinking and processing)
• Trouble remembering common words (unable to find the right words to finish a sentence)

Doctors and researchers call chemo brain “mild cognitive impairment.” Most define it as being unable to remember certain things and having trouble finishing tasks or learning new skills. But some doctors call it chemo brain only if it doesn’t go away or get better over time. How long it lasts is a major factor in how much it affects a person’s life.

For most people, brain effects happen quickly and only last a short time. Others have long-term mental changes. Usually the changes that patients notice are very subtle, and others around them may not even notice any changes at all. Still, the people who are having problems are well aware of the differences in their thinking. Many people don’t tell their cancer care team about this problem until it affects their everyday life.

For someone who has lost some brain function, even short-term problems with thinking and memory can be scary. Some people may have trouble remembering simple things, like closing doors or turning off lights. Others may notice that their brain doesn’t work as quickly as it used to. These kinds of brain problems can cause trouble at work and at home. People who notice problems with their thinking may feel even more upset if their doctors blame it on aging or act like it’s nothing to worry about. It’s distressing to wonder if you’ll ever be able to do your job again, or if you’ll get lost on the way to a place you’ve been to dozens of times.

I am learning that I have to write down all my thoughts. No more remembering things we need at the grocery store. No more appointments just in my memory. I have to log my chemo meds or I forget if I have taken them. So if I look at you with a blank stare don't take it personal. I feel like I forget so many things....that reminds me we need to buy styrofoam cups and black shoe polish!!

12 days of Chemo

On the first day of Chemo my body gave to me:

A queasy, gassy tummy and a slight headache.

On the second day of Chemo my body gave to me:

A burst of energy before I was exhausted, bone pain and a queasy, gassy tummy and a slight headache.

On the third day of chemo my body gave to me:

A six o'clock pm wall that I hit hard and couldn't stay awake and a queasy, gassy tummy and a slight headache.

On the fourth day of chemo my body gave to me: 

A day full of sleeping and a queasy, gassy tummy and a slight headache.

On the fifth day of chemo my body gave to me:

Low blood pressure, a loss of five pounds, bone pain, diarrhea, vomiting on the side of the road, and a queasy, gassy tummy and a slight headache.

On the sixth day of chemo my body gave to me:

A horrible cold, 2 more lbs down, vomiting in the high school restroom, diarrhea, exhaustion, and a queasy, and a gassy tummy.

On the seventh day of chemo my body gave to me:

A little more energy, 2 more lbs down, no appetite, diarrhea, no voice from my cold, a good cough, runny nose, and a queasy, and a gassy tummy.

On the eight day of chemo my body gave to me:

Exhaustion, a cough, diarrhea and a queasy, and a gassy tummy.

On the ninth day of chemo my body gave to me:

Diarrhea and an increased appetite!

On the tenth day of chemo my body gave to me:

More diarrhea and cracking fingernails.

Ont the eleventh day of chemo my body gave to me:

Diarrhea and exhaustion and my eyelashes falling out.

On the twelfth day of chemo my body gave to me:

More diarrhea but feeling great and ready for another round.