Not in my plans

I suppose that my last chemo has wanted to make an impression. I found myself more light headed than normal and experiencing a few unusual symptoms. Finally last night Joey was concerned enough with the loss of blood that he thought it was time to call the oncologist. Not to be too detailed but there was just blood and it was a new symptom. This blood was coming from the rectal area which made things seem even stranger. The oncologist on call was concerned enough that we were sent to the ER. My hemoglobin is low and they are retesting my blood every four hours. I am waiting for GI specialists to do a scope and/or colonoscopy. Fun, huh? The plan is just to rule out any other complications that could be causing these problems. 

I got to drink a crash course of "the stuff that makes you poop"! And all in an hour. I have prepped for a colonoscopy before in the comfort of my home and over the course of an evening. It is a different ballgame when you are hooked to monitors and only gave an hour to expedite things! .... While Joey tried to entertain me!

The results ....nothing is out of the ordinary other than I have had chemo. Chemo dries and your membranes and I have experienced this with my nose for the past few months. So basically it is the same thing just a little more widespread throughout my body.  I have low platelets and low blood pressure. Just need the weekend to recover from my short visit in the hospital. 

Positive things

Today is usually my hardest day after chemo but we headed up to Huntsman for a fantastic visit. I finally had my stitches removed from the left breast where there was an infection. After having stitches for 2 1/2 months they are out!!! I can fully immerse in water!!! And I had my last expansion. So now I am ready for radiation and will be content with my current size. It feels like this journey is not close to over..... But every little step makes it feel so much closer to the end. 

And I feel grateful!

I am grateful for mammograms and that we found my tumor as early as we did.

I am grateful for family that supports me, loves me, feeds me, drives me, etc. 

I am grateful for spring and the ability to feel renewed. Made my day to see my flowers starting to blossom.

I am grateful for good friends who cheer me up and find ways to make me feel normal.

I am grateful for meals on wheels... Thank you Michelle, Sherrie, Dusti for meals this weekend.

I am grateful for my bed and my home. 

I am grateful for technology so that I can update grades while I'm in bed.

 I'm grateful for Special K Cinnamon Pecan cereal because it tastes good after chemo!

I could keep listing things but I am so grateful that I can take a nap right now ....

What are you grateful for today?

Winning isn't everything.... Or is it?

We have all said at one time or another that winning isn't everything. In fact, I know that I have said that to my kids and even to myself. Today we went up to cheer on the Braves basketball team as they competed in the state championship game at the Huntsman Center. 

I have taught or do teach probably half of the basketball team and you want so badly for them to win because they feel like your kids. And yet there can only be one winner. The game went into final seconds and the Braves pulled out the win! 

The opposing team could have won if there player had made his last two free throws. And it made me feel so bad for that student. What pressure! And along the way the Braves had to tackle hard obstacles.... The refs!! 

But if made me think about beating cancer.....

Winning is everything when you are fighting cancer. 

I have had hard moments and I feel victorious and I am glad that I won the fight. 

And then I think about so many who fight so hard and maybe don't win their fight against cancer. It humbles me to realize my blessings are numerous and my heart goes out to those who don't always win. 

As I was leaving my last infusion I met a young woman who was just starting her first treatment. We talked for a few minutes and I hope that it was encouraging to her to see that I just finished my chemo treatments. And I met an adorable mom in the restroom that was my age and had only two more treatments to go. She drives to Huntsman from Wyoming for her treatments. We all are fighting breast cancer and we all want to win. Winning is everything in this battle. And yet, we have so little control over our outcome. We have to trust in our doctors and medicine and most if all have faith.....

My favorite cheer of the day that both teams chanted, "I believe that we will win!" 

I do believe that I have won! And along the way I have learned some valuable lessons. 

My aunt, Charlene, works for Gamma West in St. George and this plaque hangs in their lobby. She sent this to me and it reminds me of what cancer cannot do....

And thank you Brittany for sending me some VICTORY cookies for my win! And my prayer tonight is that we can all be winners. 

NO PHONES IN BRAS

It is not upsetting that I was guilty of putting my cell phone in my bra for almost 5 years. I have known in my gut ever since my diagnosis that this was the reason for my breast cancer. My tumor was right exactly where I placed my cell phone. Please don't allow yourself or any loved ones to continue this habit. I know in my heart if I had not done this I would have avoided all of the emotional and physical pain that I have endured since September. Mastectomy, lymph nodes, drains and tubes, loss of nipples.... Chemo including hair loss, dry skin, neuropathy, nausea, diarrhea, weight gain, mouth sores, bone pain, loss of fingernails and toenails, no lashes, no eyebrows, tired, etc.

Radiation for 6 weeks with fatigue and sunburned skin, blistered skin, lymphedema, risk of potential long term heart and lung issues, and even additional cancers later in life.

Here is the Dr. Oz special on suggested breast cancer from storing your cell phone in your bra:

http://www.doctoroz.com/episode/why-you-should-keep-your-cell-phone-out-your-bra?video_id=2897426755001

No Phone Zone

Is it too much to try to educate women AND girls to save them from this potential risk of breast cancer. It just isn't worth it :(

Happy Dance

Although there is a long road still ahead of us the worst is going to be behind us. I expect a rough ten days to follow this chemo but then no more chemo side effects.

I will still get infusions if Herceptin every 3 weeks until next Thanksgiving (wow- that sounds so far away!) But Herceptin is the drug that targets my type of cancer with positive antibodies. So besides the time to come up and get the infusion it will be easy! And I'll have my port until December.... Boo! Although having a port is such a blessing. And today Tiffany, the only person who doesn't hurt me when she pokes me, was accessing my port. 

I will start radiation on April 3rd. My oncologist advised me today on my decision making and confirmed that radiation would be the best approach. I will do that until the middle of May and then I will just enjoy my summer. On August 13th I will be able to schedule my final reconstruction. They make you wait until 3 months after radiation to give your skin time to heal. I still have some milestones to reach but today is a big one. 

This is my oncology team: Dr. Ward, Rosie, and Anne. I love them. They answer every question. They spend all the time I need with each visit. They walk through every symptom. I love them!!

No more hair loss! My hair will start to grow back. Will it be blonde? Black? Red? Curly? Straight?  

No more crazy taste buds. Food will taste normal!! 

No more nose sores. My nose will stop bleeding!! 

No more hurting toes. My toes will start to regrow. My fingernails will get stronger. No more crazy lotion application. My skin won't be as dry. 

No more mouth sores. 

No more neuropathy. My hands and feet won't be numb. 

No more gas!!! 

No more bowel issues. 

No more nausea! 

No more bone pain! 

I am happy for this list of no mores makes me smile with anticipation. 

Tonight I will be doing the Happy Dance! I have done it! I survived chemotherapy. I am awesome!!

Make Valentine's last all year long

I realized I never blogged about our Valentine's Day. It was the day after chemo so I spent the day in bed! I did have to go to Huntsman for my nulesta shot but I was a very different day. My sweet husband was very thoughtful and sent me a basket of sunshine.... Lots of lemon treats: lemon tarts, lemon bars, lemon cookies, lemon cake pops. Can you tell I like lemon after chemo? 

We celebrated our anniversary the day before in chemo and our infusion nurses gave us an anniversary gift:

This is the photo Joey took while I was sleeping:

How sweet is that? And as I was sitting in the infusion room I received a Valentine card from an elementary student who made cards for all the cancer patients. 

And to top of our holiday we sent Mikayla off on her first date to the Sweetheart Dance. 

My sweet neighbor and friend Kym made me these adorable hats!! What a touching gift. The amount of time put into these is amazing. And I know that this is a unique talent and a skill I don't possess! 

And although it was not a traditional Valentine's if made me reflect on a bigger sense of the holiday. We have the capacity to love many in our lives. And do we share our hearts and make this world a better place? Do we give others special things to show that we care? Perhaps it is reaching out to an ex-spouse to make a special moment for our daughter. Maybe it is the love if a child who is thinking of others and serving cancer patients instead of playing video games. Or making hats for a friend and sharing your talents. Or just making someone feel loved. Valentines this year was not about me getting romanced by my spouse (although he was adorable and made my day). It was bigger than that.... It was the love of our family, our neighbors, our community. And this feeling should extend past one day a year.... So as I share this 3 weeks after the holiday maybe it will remind us to continue to show love to those who need it most.

To radiate or not to radiate.... That is the question

My last chemo is this coming Thursday and so we are ready for the next step in this process. This is has been the hardest decision in this whole process. And we have had plenty of hard decisions:

We had to decide whether to do chemo first and hope that the tumor would shrink enough to do a lumpectomy versus a mastectomy. We opted for the surgery first. I wanted to cancer gone and we wanted to be aggressive. 

We had to decide whether to opt for a double mastectomy. Many doctors recommend this step since most women end up with cancer in the other side and have to repeat the process. Also you don't have to have mammograms so you remove the emotional stress. And you have symmetry. Otherwise you are 60 and have a perky left side and a saggy right side. So we chose to do a double mastectomy. This would seem to be the hardest decision. But once I decided to do this and be aggressive I was content.

We had to decide whether or not to try nipple sparing techniques. This decision was taken out of my hands on the day of surgery when my doctor told me that there wouldn't be enough remaining tissue to keep blood supply there and he preferred to be aggressive and not run the risk of leaving any tissue behind. 

We didn't get to chose to do chemo. They feel confident that the surgery removed all the cancer in the lymph nodes and breast, but based on my age I had to go through chemo. Had I been 70 or 80 I could have chosen not to do chemo. But my oncologist did not give me a choice. So we did it and now I'm almost done.

And now I am faced with a decision: have radiation or not? 

It is hard when you have turned most if the decision making choices to the experts and just trust in the doctors to tell you what to do. And now I am faced with having to actually make a hard decision. Why? 

Here is the information on having radiation after a mastectomy. I am pulling the information from breastcancer.org:

These factors are associated with a high risk of recurrence after mastectomy. Radiation may be recommended if any of these factors are present:

• The cancer is 5 centimeters or larger (the cancer can be 1 lump, a series of lumps, or even microscopic lumps that together are 5 centimeters or larger). MY TUMOR WAS NOT THIS BIG
• The cancer had invaded the lymph channels and blood vessels in the breast. MY CANCER DID GO INTO THE LYMPH NODES
• The removed tissue has a positive margin of resection. MY TISSUE ALTHOUGH IT HAD CLEAR MARGINS BY THE TUMOR THERE WAS A POSITIVE RESULT IN ONE OF THE MARGINS.
• Four or more lymph nodes were involved OR, for premenopausal women, at least 1 lymph node was involved. I AM PREMENOPAUSAL AND IT WAS POSITIVE IN ONLY ONE LYMPH THAT THEY REMOVED.
• The cancer has invaded the skin (with locally advanced or inflammatory breast cancer). THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO ME.

So I meet 3 of the 5 qualifications for radiation. Because I am in a gray area for all considerations of receiving radiation. There could be remaining cancer cells in the lymph passage. And these could travel. Chemo is targeted for the entire body. Radiation is targeted to the tissues just where the cancer was found. The would be radiating the armpit, left chest wall, and collar bone area up to the neck. 

One doctor I met with gives me a 15% chance that there are lingering cancer cells that could redevelop. Radiation would lower that percentage to 4%. Another doctor said it was a 20% chance that would be reduce to 8%. I knew that there were many long term side effects from radiation and so I chose to see two different doctors.

For one of my consults I chose to venture out of Huntsman and receive a consult from Gamma West. Gamma West has some advantages over Huntsman in a few areas. But I also saw a radiation oncologist at Huntsman.

There are short term side effects and some potential long term side effects. A few of the short term side effects are fatigue and sunburned blistering skin. But the treatments are only for 33 days. They lady about 20 minutes. And it is every day Monday through Friday until those 33 days are complete. It can cause the skin on that side to thicken and shrink which puts final reconstruction off for at least 3 months after the completion of radiation. 

One possible side effect long term is cardiovascular issues or heart disease later in life. It also can create scarring in the bottom of the lung. Gamma West does provide a lower risk for these side effects because of this additional imaging. It could enhance issues with lymphedema. There is a risk of lower bone density for the bones in that area. A few ribs and my collar bone would be the bones that could be compromised or weaker over time. And there is a risk that radiation could produce a different kind of cancer twenty years down the road. But these are all possible consequences. 

Financially I have met my out of pocket and the radiation is covered by my insurance. 

Emotionally I would love to be done with this and to be done in a matter of weeks would be so nice. But I am really just adding one more month if I do radiation. And would I sleep better knowing that I have done everything and tried everything? If I choose not to do radiation I will still be getting regular check ups and hopefully would identify and concerning lumps or areas that may arise.

Physically I think it won't be fun but it will be easier than chemotherapy.

Every day I have different thoughts. There are many pros and cons that come up in our discussions. We have been aggressive thus far and do we feel confident that it has been enough? Or do we continue to be aggressive and lower that percentage as much as we can. It has been six months. What is one more month? I can get through radiation. But is it worth the potential risks?

So I have a few weeks to continue to weigh my options. I love Huntsman but Gamma West does have some benefits. 

We are researching and praying and discussing. And when we have had enough we table the issue and come back to it the next day. We are welcome to advice through private messages, but what it really boils down to is that I have to make a decision and it is not an easy one. I know what my gut is telling me but I need my heart and brain to join forces. 

Putting up with a wife that has cancer....

Cancer has brought out (maybe I should just say amplified) some annoying traits that Joey has to deal with. Luckily he has a great sense of humor and we all get a good laugh at my expense.

I have always had a snoring problem which I blame on my dad and my Grandpa Turned. But cancer has created a much more annoying sound that I make in my sleep. I don't know how to explain them other than it sounds like a baby sheep that is slowly suffering! If you really want to hear the sound Joey has plenty of audio files that he has recorded and played for the kids! They laugh and laugh and laugh. 

But even more embarrassing is the issue of flatulence.  Chemo creates a lot of unrest in your intestines and the only relief is to fart. And sometimes the release of air is uncontrollable. And chemo creates a smell that is very unpleasant! Just today Joey came to give me a hug and said so kindly, "I'd like to hug you but will you please not fart on me? You've just been farting a lot lately!" Yes, I am mortified. But I share because my family members are very understanding and with humor I have found that I can deal with this unpleasant side effect. It may not be graceful or attractive or ladylike, but it just happens to be part of my life right now. We were in the 5th hole at Oakridge and I swung the driver so hard that a fart escaped and the kids couldn't hold back their laughter. In fact, I couldn't either! And I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants!! 

I hate these odd side effects and could he mortified and not share, but we have found that humor helps us all deal with cancer. Sometimes laughing at yourself is a hard thing to do and allowing others to find humor at your expense could really damage your confidence. I have found that humor bonds us together and helps solidify our front line together in this battle. 

And sorry to those who had to go down the grocery aisle that I quickly abandoned! If you need a good laugh read the support group on chemo farts on the cancer support page: http://csn.cancer.org/node/185017

This little piggy HURTS!

One side effect that is mentioned with chemo is losing toenails and fingernails. Luckily, I haven't lost any fingernails. But they are weak and short and brittle. Why? The cells in our body for hair and nails are killed along with cancer cells. That is why cancer patients lose their hair. And without the cells reduplicate mg the nails don't grow. This week I have lost both of my big toe nails and I'm about to lose the ring toe on my right foot. Joey can relate because when he was in the Marines he lost toenails. And if you are a runner I'm sure you can relate. It hurts! How can such a little thing create such discomfort? I even wore slippers to work yesterday!! My toes used to be one of my favorite parts of my body! I had cute toes.... Now they are pussy, bloody, demented and disfigured. Boo!!! I hope by summer they will have grown back in. 

(No picture included.... Mikayla said they were too gross!)

Humbled

I haven't blogged in quote some time. I think it has been fear keeping me from sharing. I started this blog mostly for close family and friends to be in the loop.... And I never anticipated that my blog would be viewed as many times as it has. I am humbled and a bit overwhelmed. I will run into strangers who tell me they read my blog. And then I realized that my audience was far larger than anticipated. I have had 40,000 views on my blog and it has been viewed in 6 different countries. I realized that my blogs may be scrutinized and I am the worst editor of my own work. And being an English teacher I started to stress that my writings would be judged and I was hesitant to write. But then I heard from some women who were battling breast cancer and they stumbled or were introduced to my blog and if it is helpful to just a few people then it is worth the risk of not being perfect. So sorry for the length of time without any updates..... I'm back!