Just stay calm

September 18
Mammogram time! I wasn't really nervous.  I knew there was a lump, but I didn't think anything other than a short visit was in store.  After the mammogram, the technician told me that I needed to have my pictures reviewed by a doctor before I could go.  Now my anxiety started to set in.  From there I was taken straight to ultrasound. Two residents performed the ultrasound and then went to get their lead physician.  After he performed the ultrasound he told me that I had a mass that was concerning and that I had two lymph nodes that were enlarged.  He said that we needed to perform a biopsy.  At this point I am trying to tell myself to stay calm.  I asked him if we scheduled it for next week and he said they would do it right then.  Now I was freaking out. 
I called Joey.  But I had to use the phone in the ultrasound room since my phone was in a locker where I had changed for the mammogram.  He answered and kept me calm and told me that it would be okay.  He was with me through anything.  I then called my dad and mom to let them know what was going on.  By this point they had everything ready for the biopsy.  The biopsy was ultrasound guided and they numbed the areas where they were extracting samples.  I tried to stay calm.  I knew something was wrong by the way the staff communicated with me.  Normally they would tell a patient that all of this was routine procedure and not to worry.  They would ease their concerns and give them a sense of peace.  Not today.  Nurses would pat my leg and tell me how strong I looked.  They kept asking me how I was holding up.  They asked if I needed another blanket.  The mood was gloomy and I didn't get comfort or reassurance.  When they tried to biopsy the lymph nodes it was quite difficult.  In fact, they finally brought pathology up so that they could verify directly under the microscope if the samples were viable.  I was bandage up and sent back to the mammogram room.
Yup now after the biopsy I went through another mammogram for more pictures.  And I was bleeding all over the mammogram machine! And I just kept telling myself to stay calm, but I knew something wasn't right.  I left with instructions to take Tylenol and ice the area and not to lift anything with my left arm. 
I went straight to the airport to wait for Joey. His flight was due to land in one hour and I needed my husband.  In the meantime, I sat and waited at Park and Wait.  And my dad showed up to give me a hug and reassure me that I have him in my corner with his cancer expertise and fatherly love.
And the moment I saw Joey at the curb by the terminal. . . . I lost it.  I needed my husband.  I needed him to hold me, protect me, and shelter me from everything I had just been through. I knew at that moment that he would help me find a way to be BRAVE!