This is the one post where I confess my weaknesses. It is very humbling to sit down and confess to the world what faults you have and the struggles you know you will have in the next few months. But I think that expressing them might make me more aware of my weaknesses so that perhaps I can try to conquer them and learn a lesson from them.
I am vain. Yup! I said it. I don't want to lose my hair or my eyelashes. And I don't want to look like a cancer patient. Shallow as that is, they are real feelings. Maybe my lesson is that looks are not important.
I feel SO guilty. I am not sure why I feel guilt. No one asks for cancer. But I have waited a lifetime for the man of my dreams. And Joey has been my husband for 7 months. And I get cancer! Guess what honey? You married someone who would get cancer right after you get married. How fair is that? It makes me feel so guilty. And I want to tell him how sorry I am for getting cancer. I have probably said ten times to Joey how sorry I am, but each time he reminds me how much he loves me and that I am worth every battle. That he loves me so completely and we have such deep love and trust that even the hardest times are better than a life without me. I guess looking back on how quickly we fell in love I feel that God put him in my life for a reason. And if there is a lesson or a high note in this it is that after this we will feel like we have been married for years!
I am stubborn. This could either work for me or against me. I can be stubborn and fight cancer. But I can be stubborn and try to do things myself without asking for help. I need to learn patience and I need to be more easy going.
I need to accept help. Why is this so hard? Someone please help me with this one. Already I have people offering to help in any way possible and my reaction is to say no and to just do things on our own. But I know that I will have to have help. I need to accept others serving me. I just struggle with this.
I am a control freak. I want to be in charge of the kids and their schedules. I like to do laundry so that is done my way. I do the grocery shopping because I do the cooking. I like to clean because I want it done my way. I guess my lesson is to chill out or find some awesome medication that will let me chill out!
So do we only acknowledge our weaknesses in times of trials and when we are faced with medical sentences that make you evaluate your life? I think my overall lesson is that I should have been working on bettering myself all along rather than waiting for a cancer verdict to prompt me to change. How do you fix your weaknesses and make them strengths?
Dear Lisa...
ReplyDeleteI remember a beautiful blonde teenager one year at girl's camp who let me give her a manicure. I'll always remember that girl... who talked with me.. laughed with me and became my friend. You are beautiful inside and out... amazingly BRAVE and full of faith. I love you... and I feel so blessed to have rubbed shoulders with you. You will find the strength you will need from day to day... minute to minute to rise above the challenges of breast cancer. You will remain in my prayers... and in my heart my friend. BIG HUG...!
Sandi,
ReplyDeleteI have so many memories of you. We all looked up to you and we loved our presents that we got from you. We still talk about that when we get together. Thank you for your kind words. And especially for your prayers. Love you!
Lisa
I am certain that our Father in Heaven prepared Joey to be able to be with you now, at this time in particular. No need to feel guilty. And as odd as it sounds, it is a wonderful time to feel gratitude. Not for the cancer, but for your husband, your children, your parents, friends and family, amazing and supportive coworkers and students.
ReplyDeleteThis is a pattern has worked to help me turn a weakness into a strength. The most important thing for me was to humbly acknowledge my weakness before God. I told Him that I wanted to have my weakness become a strength to me, so that I won't be encumbered by its negative effects any longer. I have learned that this is possible when I sincerely and honestly recognize to Him my weakness, and that I want to turn it into a strength, and that I cannot do this without Him. I must come to see my absolute dependence upon Him. I have come to understand that these types of petitions must be done "with full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God, but with real intent." (2 Ne 31:13)
When I humble myself before Him, and have faith in Him, knowing that He can make my weaknesses strengths, He will show me my weaknesses, which in turn helps me to become more humble before Him. If I continue to turn to Him in faith, the promise from Him is that my weakness will become a strength to me. I can promise you that this is true.
That said, you are one of the strongest people I know. You are one of my heroes. Not just because of the courage you are demonstrating in your current challenge, but because of how you have handled yourself during the challenges that have come across your path throughout your life, and because of the person you have become as a result of these experiences. I believe that all adversity, while certainly undesired, presents opportunities for growth. I think you've had more than your fair share of these opportunities.
This reminds me though of a talk given last year by one of my other heroes, Henry B. Eyring, called "Mountains to Climb" in which he talked about his mother, Sister Mildred Eyring, and her trials dealing with cancer. A tribute he remembered Spencer W. Kimball giving to Sister Eyring went like this:
"'Some of you may have thought that Mildred suffered so long and so much because of something she had done wrong that required the trials.' He then said, 'No, it was that God just wanted her to be polished a little more.' I remember at the time thinking, 'If a woman that good needed that much polishing, what is ahead for me?'
"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up. And He always keeps His word."
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/mountains-to-climb
I still think you have had plenty of polishing already, but we will be there for you as you are polished even more. Love you!!!
Wow! I sure love my brother. Scott, thanks for helping me keep things in perspective. Let's get some polishing done!
ReplyDeleteBy reading the responses to your post, I found comfort. You obviously have very wise and loving folks in your corner. Like me, you are very prideful and it's hard letting go and allowing others to do for you. I really struggle with that. But a friend reminded me that those who love and care about you feel helpless and doing for you helps them feel like they are making you feel better and that's all they want. I'm joining my strength with yours and wishing you the very best! God bless.
ReplyDeleteThank you Angeline. . . I appreciate your support.
ReplyDelete