GI Jane ready for battle

I made the decision to shave my head after pieces were falling out. I felt that it would be easier than seeing it in my brush or on my pillow. My sweet husband helped me and there were some tears. But he just kept kissing me and reassuring me of how beautiful I am. He told me I looked like Demi Moore in GI Jane!! I doubt that, but it made me think about this war I'm facing. 

(No pictures of my moment. I was crying and had red and swollen eyes!)

In the movie there is a moment she has with her commander:

"Master Chief John Urgayle: Pain is your friend, your ally, it will tell you when you are seriously injured, it will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain?

Lt. Jordan O'Neil: Don't know!

Master Chief John Urgayle: It lets you know you're not dead yet!"

Guess what! I can go through pain and be injured and it can make me angry.... And it reminds me that I am still alive. My dad told me today that I looked beautiful and alive! Yes.... I am grateful to be alive. 

As we were decorating the tree Joey took a lot of shots of me. And when I looked over at him his "eyes were sweating". He told me that he felt so overwhelmed while looking at the photos and could see the Christmas Tree lights reflected in the picture of the Savior. And I was on one side of the tree and the Savior on the other. Just a humble reminder that although it oftens feels like I am walking alone (even though I have so much support) I still have to essentially fight this alone, but I don't. My Savior is beside me helping me and watching over me throughout each battle in my war. 

And now when I need peace and comfort and a boost to get through the day I can enjoy the feeling that Joey and I shared tonight in our front room. I can allow the magic of the Christmas tree take me away from the hurt and let me reminisce about childhood memories and the magic that I still see in the eyes of our kids. I can look at our Simon Dewey print and remember that after all he went through he found peace and that "He is Risen". Thank you for being by my side. I am glad that this GI Jane is not alone and that I am still alive!

Thanks and Gratitude

A year is such an interesting concept. In some ways it feels like the longest year. In other ways it seems to have flown by too quickly. Last year I was at my parents the Wednesday before Thanksgiving helping prepare food for the next day and I decided once again to log onto my Match profile. I didn't have much hope for finding love, but every few months I tried to at least try to find a date. Most times the guys that I were interested in were not interested in me. And then I saw a profile with this picture: 

My thought was that he was adorable. And I knew that he wouldn't be interested in me.... He was Hot! Maybe he would like a 33 year old!! But I still wanted to say hi, but I wasn't going to waste time with a long message since chances were slim that he would respond back. So I wrote, "You are pretty cute!" That's it! 

The back story on his end was that he had recently gotten divorced and his ex-wife encouraged him to get on Match and start dating. They were friends and she helped him out by taking his photos for his profile and she even helped him write some of his messages. In fact, she wrote the first message back that asked me out. He was nervous and didn't know what to say! Turns out in his message he asked if I know the Layton's. And of course I knew them.... Great family friends. So at the same time I was calling Kathy Layton to get the scoop on this guy and Joey was asking Casey about me!!

I remember spending all day of Thanksgiving wondering about our first date and wishing it were sooner. It was a lunch date for the next afternoon...Black Friday! And he was excited about meeting me. But not excited enough to cancel the date he had on Thanksgiving night with ANOTHER girl, but he promised me that he was thinking about me! And then the day was upon us....

We met in the parking lot at Starbucks in Layton. I was so nervous that when I got there I had to go in and pee.... :) and then I saw him in his car. We drive the same kind of car!! Crazy! And then we met and went to eat lunch at Corbin's. It was quiet and we were almost alone in the restaurant. Everything was perfect. At the end of the date he said that he was new to this dating thing and that he would like to see me again. I of course was so excited that he wanted to see me again, but I figured like most men he would get back to me and that it would be a few weeks. NOPE!! He asked me out for dinner for the next night. And I can say that everything was magical! We felt like we were supposed to be together. Neither of is could quite understand the ease and comfort of our relationship. He wasn't ready to be in a relationship. He had just gotten divorced. And I was always warding off commitment. There was always something that would make me pause in relationships, but for some reason things just connected like neither of us have ever experienced. Our families were very skeptical when we got engaged a month later. And who would blame them? Our friends thought we were crazy! And now I feel such gratitude. I am grateful that Joey didn't let me push him away. I am grateful that Heavenly  Father intervened and brought us together. I am grateful for our friends and family for being supportive even though they all doubted. Now we look back on everything. We had thought about waiting until summer to get married. I know that things happened how they did for a reason. If I had gotten my diagnosis before I was married I would have been tempted to tell Joey to run! He wouldn't have... And I wouldn't have wanted him to, but I would have wanted to climb in a hole and protect him from having to go through this. There was a higher power at work and I am grateful that things aligned and that we are now spending our first Thanksgiving together. Despite dealing with cancer, we could not be happier. We have grown so close and the past year feels like a lifetime together. 

Last Saturday we had our first Thanksgiving with MiKell and Moe. They went to so much work and everyone was there. It felt so nice and it felt like my family. I was so grateful for my first Thanksgiving with my new family. The kids were loud and crazy. The ladies sat and chittered away while the boys were playful and punks!!

This week we headed up to Boise to see Joey's dad and stepmom, Laila. I was excited to finally meet my Boise family. Joey drove up Tuesday morning and I flew in in Wednesday. This is my low immunity time so I had to wear a face mask in the airport and on the plane. I felt like a dork. The morning before I flew out my mom took me up to Huntsman and they did my first expansion! I didn't feel a thing and now I can be grateful that I have some boobs!! I feel pretty good. A little quesy and food tastes odd. I've lost 7 pounds in a week. The mouth sores from chemo make it hard to eat. And I'm just really tired. 

This was the first Thanksgiving away from my family. And I miss them, but yet I find them in little things each day as we spend Thanksgiving in Boise. I see an Amarylis bulb and think of my mom. I am making rolls for dinner... My mom's way! We watched the parade with Laila which is exactly what my mom and I would be doing followed by the dog show. 

Joey went hunting with his dad and I think that is so hot that I have a husband and that he is off hunting!! And our gorgeous dog Coco got to show her daddy what she has been learning in hunting school for six weeks. (Which I guess she failed because she are the birds and they said she was a hard student because her mama spoils her!) She is only 18 months and will continue to improve. But I'm not sure that I'll quit spoiling her! 

We got to spend time with all of the extended family this afternoon. It was Grandma Katie's 87th birthday today. 

And honestly everyone was so kind and welcoming. I can't wait to see them again. It feels like home away from home. I miss our kids, but feel so at peace. I just feel very grateful for everything that has happened in the past year. 

Happy Thanksgiving! I have so much to be grateful for this year. 

Our song.... "Come to Me", by the Goo Goo Dolls: (Makes me cry! Love you Joey!)

I'll be kind, if you'll be faithful

You be sweet and I'll be grateful

Cover me with kisses dear

Lighten up the atmosphere

Keep me warm inside our bed

I got dreams of you all through my head

Fortune teller said I'd be free

And that's the day you came to me

Come to me my sweetest friend

Can you feel my heart again

I'll take you back where you belong

And this will be our favorite song

Come to me with secrets bare

I'll love you more so don't be scared

When we're old and near the end

We'll go home and start again

I caught you burnin' photographs

Like that could save you from your past

History is like gravity

It holds you down away from me

You and me, we've both got sins

I don't care about where you've been

Don't be sad and don't explain

This is where we start again

Come to me my sweetest friend

Can you feel my heart again

I'll take you back where you belong

And this will be our favorite song

Come to me with secrets bare

I'll love you more so don't be scared

When we're old and near the end

We'll go home and start again

Start again

Today's the day I'll make you mine

So get me to the church on time

Take my hand in this empty room

You're my girl, and I'm your groom

Come to me my sweetest friend

This is where we start again, again

Come to me my sweetest friend

Can you feel my heart again

Take you back where you belong

This will be our favorite song

Come to me with secrets bare

I'll love you more so don't be scared

When we're old and near the end

We'll go home and start again

Trials and tribulations

My Grandpa Turner was a great example of how to overcome trials and tribulations. He was a problem solver and always jumped right into a problem and tackled it with everything he had. As a grown adult he often showed me exactly how to find the good in situations that seemed impossible. He had never learned to swim and as an adult he decided it was time to learn. So he took this challenge and not only decided to teach himself, but he built an indoor pool so that he could learn and overcome this trial. He improved over time and slowly conquered some of his fears of swimming. This may not seem to relate to cancer, but it does to me. When I think about a giant mountain that I have to climb over the next year it seems too daunting. But if I just jump in and take things as they come I can find joys even in this battle. 

As a young girl I loved going to Grandma Turner's house. They had acres and acres of land that we would use as our adventure playground. The ponds, the tractors, the horses, the indoor pool. When I was lucky enough to have a sleepover we would go to Riverton drug and get coloring books and treats. She always had Big Red in her cupboard and we loved sleeping out on the deck. 

Now that she lives in St. George I don't get to see her as often as I would like, but she arrived yesterday for an extended visit. My grandma is a great example of a fighter. She was a small town girl who knew what she wanted in life. She wanted that hot man from Spanish Fotk and went for it. And what a great man! In fact, Joey reminds me a lot of my Grandpa Turner.

Grandpa was such a strong man. He has the greatest muscles and could do anything. He is such a good example of a hard worker.  He loved the outdoors, hunting, and puzzles.  He built hotels in Yellowstone and built our cabin in Heber. His legacy will remain forever. And I know that as he looks down from heaven he approves of my choice in a husband. They would have been close friends. And I know that he is helping watch over me and helping Joey. As time moves on it is hard to see life change. It is hard to watch Grandma walk slowly now. It is hard to remember all our memories. Over the past few days I have realized that cancer is a trial that I must face. And my brother reminded me that we always learn from our tribulations. Cancer makes you think about loved ones and you cherish each moment. I find myself talking more softly to my kids when I'm angry. I am not as irritated with annoying drivers. I take those little moments and find gratitude in each one. I know that I have lots of time left in my life. But why would I not learn from this experience and grow as much as I can at this time. 

I am grateful for the lessons that I am learning. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful that we found the tumor in time to eliminate this disease.  I cherish quiet moments more. I contemplate the things I am teaching my children. Am I giving them the big lessons? And as they watch this battle ensue are they learning about love and patience? I notice that the little things don't bother me as much. I am trying to continue to look for the positives and learn from this challenge. 

Chemo was four days ago and I'm still here fighting. Thursday and Friday were pretty manageable, just a little queasy and a little tired. And then the bone pain hit. It feels like arthritis and my body aches. Maybe it is easiest to compare the feeling like a bad case of the flu. You just feel weak, exhausted, drained, and kind of out of it! But I am grateful to have medicines that have prevented me from throwing up. And I have a husband who rubs my feet and it eases some of the pain. I am grateful for plastic stemware. Regular silverware makes food taste metallic. The sausage for breakfast tasted like car oil, but I was grateful that the scrambled eggs tasted so good! My skin and lips feel so dry and cracked, but I love my SmartWater! I have a very flushed face and chest, but that is part of the reaction after chemo. And the bonus is that I don't look sick! I look like I just spent a week in Cabo! And to add insult to injury my monthly visitor decided now was the perfect time to appear. Boo!!! But the plus is that as long as I feel crappy let's just have them combined! 

So I am finding that if I am facing a challenge I need to not complain about little things. Instead I need to remember the big picture is about tackling the whole disease. Instead of tiptoeing into the swimming pool I'm jumping in and going to conquer this trial. 

This is the quote my brother shared with me today:  "Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were--better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before. (“I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee”)"

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/i-will-not-fail-thee-nor-forsake-thee?lang=eng

Weather the Storm

Today this all becomes very real. It is chemo time..... I haven't slept well in three nights and felt very nervous as we drove up to the cancer center. Last night I was just staring at the fireplace snuggling with the dogs while the family was sleeping. I had so many thoughts going through my head and it was calming to read messages on Facebook and just enjoy the quiet and really listen to my spirit. I realize that throughout my life I have had a roller coaster ride with my spirituality. I love my Savior and what he has done and is still doing for me daily. I feel my Father's love more than ever and I can't help but think and with some regret wonder if this is Him teaching me a lesson. Hard lesson! For 12 years I have had mixed feelings about the Priesthood. Admittedly most of my negative thoughts came from a cynical and unhealthy place. I would sit in lessons or talks on the Priesthood and roll my eyes because there was no Priesthood in my home. I have many friends that walk many different paths and I understand that this topic may be uncomfortable, but I feel compelled to share just a touch of my recent experiences. During the past 12 years I was often humbled as I was reminded

of my gratitude for the Priesthood as my dad and brother often gave me and my children sweet blessings. And Bishop King was my go to at many points in the past five years. And then I would doubt again. I was a strong, independent woman who didn't need a man. And yet, I did! More importantly I needed Joey. I needed to pull myself out of my pity party and needed to start to look for tender mercies. 

After I finished the biopsy and we were waiting for results I almost fell apart from the waiting and wondering. In my heart I just knew. After the diagnosis was confirmed I reviewed the greatest blessing of comfort. Heavenly Father told me that this would be a long and hard road, but that I was strong and that I would live. Nothing has ever hit me stronger! Everyone has commented on how I could possibly be so positive. I have a great support system. My parents are GOLD!! Joey keeps me looking at the bright side of hard situations. But most of all that blessing helped me feel confident that I would beat this and that has made all the difference in my approach.

On our drive to the Huntsman Cancer Center we pass the building where my Aunt LaRue lived for as long as I could remember. Today she gave me great comfort and strength as I thought of her example and legacy. She lived to be over a hundred and was an amazing woman. She was a volunteer at LDS hospital for many, many years and I wish she could be at the hospital today. She used to have a saying, "Look for one good thing every day". Today the good thing to remember is that the chemo is killing the cancer cells. 

My mom came to visit me during the infusion and stopped on the way up to the hospital at Jamba Juice. This is my treat so that I don't taste the chemo! Thank you to Dave and Kathy Layton for the gift card and the advice on what to drink while getting the chemo! You are my other parents and I feel your love and prayers.

I have HER2+ Breast Cancer which means that my cancer cells are growing extra protein receptors. The cells keep getting signals to grow. The cells grow faster and become wild and uncontrolled. Taxotere is one of the chemo medicines that they will be using. This drug stops the cells from growing extra protein receptors. It stops cell division and the hope is that is that it will slow or hopefully stop the cancer cells. 

Carboplatin is the other chemo drug and it is designed to stop cancer cells from multiplying. These are the medicines that I will receive for 18 weeks. 

Herceptin is also given in conjunction with the other two drugs, but it also will continue for an entire year. This medicine is targeted to attack cancer cells but it leaves healthy cells alone. The other drugs kill good and bad cells. It attaches to the cancer cells and effectively tells that cell to not reduplicate. At the same time it encourages your immune system to attack the cells that the Herceptin has attached itself to during the infusion process. 

Herceptin was the first infusion and it takes 90 minutes. We didn't actually get started until 12:15. So we were waiting for awhile. The medicine, Taxotere, takes 3 hours to administer. They go slowly to reduce the risk of an allergic reaction to the medicine. Following the taxotere the Carboplatin takes 30 minutes. But before they infuse the draw blood, check the blood in the lab and mix the chemo. We start the process at 9 am for labs and doctors visits, but the chemo meds didn't start until 12:15 and we were done at 4:30. 

I also use lidoderm cream on the port an hour before I get to the hospital. This numbs the skin on the port for the infusion. The port is located high on my chest almost to my neck and clearly protrudes. You cover the area with plastic wrap to let the cream soak in and to prevent it from getting on your clothes.

In order to prepare for today they started me on heavy steroids to boost my immune system. These make me very awake AND not a very nice person. I have been edgy and short with those around me. Sorry! But I see the benefits as yesterday I felt like I had a cold approaching. I have been trying to encourage my students to use hand sanitizer and On Guard is my closet friend. I have my chemo bag ready to go: lemon drops, blanket, book, mints, gum, Chapstick, lifesavers, a book, my iPad, etc. My sub for my classroom is lined up and ready to go. Thank you Kathryn.... You are amazing! I will miss my son's football banquet. :( I am going to Thanksgiving this weekend with Moe and MiKell's family. My first Thanksgiving with my new family and I will be sick.... :( But I am ready and feel like I have lined everything up. 

Once we arrived in Clinic 3A, which feels like a second home. We know all the staff here now and they are just an extension of our family. Jill started our first procedure.... Drawing blood from the port. Talk about an intense procedure. They have to be very sterile because the port goes straight into the vein in the chest wall. They clean it with a sterile cleaner and draw out blood first and discard that before they draw the actual blood. I didn't feel a thing! But they make me look away so that my breath doesn't contaminate the area. Then they flush it so that there isn't any blood clotting. And cover it until the infusion. 

As we were leaving the clinic they have baskets of crocheted hats that a lady makes for chemo patients and I chose my favorite!

We met with Dr. Ward and Ann to review the procedure and review all the medicines that I will take for nausea. He was so excited to see Joey and was so impressed that he hasn't missed an appointment. He told him he deserved a gold star. I'm not sure if he realized what he was saying, because I'm sure that for the next month Joey will remind me that he is a GOLD STAR husband!! 

Then they sent me down to the 2nd floor infusion room. What a view! 

I have a pod looking out over the valley... Rainy out there today. We have our own TV/DVD player. We are watching "A Few Good Men". I have my drink of water, Jamba Juice, lemon drops, lip gloss, blanket (they have heated ones!), a good book, pink fuzzy socks and my iPod! I took more steroids upon getting here and  anti nausea meds. You have about 40 minutes to wait for them to mix your chemo. The guy next to me couldn't use a port and bless his heart they have been trying to find a vein to use for over 30 minutes. I guess after so many treatments this is a side effect. Makes me grateful for my port!! Pray for him! Bless him!

So I'm done with today. And as we drive home there is a storm rolling in along the Wasatch Front. Time to head home and prepare for the side effects that may or may not occur. I will wrap up in a blanket and let Joey take care of the house and me. It is time to weather the storm..... Both the weather and the cancer! 

I am ready physically for my hair to fall out. I am sick of my short hair and I am ready to embrace my cute scarfs, wigs and hats. I feel more like myself with my long hair even if it is a wig. Sheridan Mordue is co-owner of my favorite store, Hip and Humble, and I went and bought 4 adorable hats. Sheridan posted my photo on their Facebook page. I have known Sheridan since we were mini Bountiful Stars wearing our purple sequin. 

Thank you Tori for the adorable scarfs and aromatherapy kit! You have made me beautiful for years by giving me sexy eyelashes. And now you are still making me feel sexy. I can't wait until the day I can get my lash extensions back on!! (I know.... The vain side of me!) 

My dad's cousin, Colleen who lives in Colorado came to visit my parents on Sunday. She has been reading the blog and gave me an amazing gift. My dad's grandma was an amazing, talented quilter and the talent has passed on to Colleen. She made this quilt and the picture does not do it justice. The amount of effort and time and skill that went into this work of art is so humbling. And flew from Colorado to deliver the gift just shows me how my support group extends far beyond my comprehension. Thank you Colleen. This will be a family heirloom and I am so grateful for your hard work and generosity. 

You are my sunshine!

What is your addiction? What makes you happy? Is it healthy? Do you run? Do you sleep? Do you read? My addiction has always been Diet Coke!! But I've been trying to find healthier ways to cheer up. And my favorite ray of sunshine is my 4 year old niece, Amelia. 

She just brightens my days. She is so sassy! Just like me! The first time I saw her after my surgery she was SO excited to jump on me and give me a hug! And I cried from pain. I didn't mean to, but luckily I didn't scar her. That night she called me to tell me she was sorry she hurt my bobbies!! Lol 

The other night she called me to tell me she was sick and wanted me to pray for her to get better. After all, she was praying for me to get better!! And so we pray for each other! 

(Her tiger pose!!) I wish I knew how to upload the audios she sends me of her stories and phone calls to me!!!

There is just something about looking at the world from the perspective of a child. All is well and all will be well. 

(Pedicures with Aunt Lisa)

She is just so full of love and light. And it sheds upon all of those that she meets. Thank you Amelia for being my Sunshine!! 

"May the odds be ever in MY favor"

Tonight we had the opportunity to go see Catching Fire two nights before the release. Thank you to everyone who made this possible. Cindy Steed, Kym Smith, Michelle Ferrin, Krystal Hawker, Stefanie Sumsion.....thank you! And to my friends who I saw I'm sport I didn't linger to talk because I just didn't want to talk about cancer tonight, but it cheered my heart to see you and feel your love. I needed to be out of the house and distracted AND I needed my family. Thanks for coming Mom, Joey, Gage and crew, Mikayla, Dallas, and Savy! 

The night was not quite what I expected. I envisioned a quiet dinner, winning a prize, watching the movie and going home to bed. Sometimes plans change and instead we find ourselves as a family sitting in the parked car in the garage after the movie and crying as you express your love. 

I wanted to watch the movie and just get caught up in the story and forget for one night what is happening tomorrow. And then I watched these characters on screen care about their loved ones. Their desire to ensure that their loved one lived far outweighed their own desire to fight at times. I couldn't help but think of my loved ones who want to protect me and save me. At one point during the movie Dallas had to run to the restroom and as he passed by me he grabbed my hand and started to squeeze it and didn't let go until he had walked past my mom. And I couldn't help sobbing right there in the movie theater. I feel their love and protection and yet they can only protect me from so much and so I feel their helplessness. As the night had comes to a close I feel comfort and fear at the same time. I feel nervous and anxious. "May the odds be ever in MY favor!"

Time to expand

(Warning- photos may not be appropriate for young eyes!)

Today was the day that I have been dreading for a few weeks. Last Tuesday they were going to start to expand the tissue expanders. But unfortunately we had a small set back with a section of skin near the incision on the left side. The purpose of a mastectomy is to remove all tissue so there isn't a chance for any cancer cells to remain. With that being said they were quite aggressive with the tissue on that side and the skin has a hard time living without tissue and blood supply underneath the skin. One downside was that they felt I needed more healing time before they started chemo and added more pressure to the incisions through expansion. I just want to get things started so they can be over! But it is only a few days away. 

I was kind of relieved that I had another week because I was so nervous about the pain and pressure of the expanders. They compare the feeling to having your milk come in after you have a baby. And I get to have that feeling for three months. 

The procedure uses a magnet that they hover over the incisions and the magnet locates the membrane in the expander which is under the skin. The insert a syringe inside that membrane and pull back. The fluid should be blue. This tells them they are inside the expander that they placed to hold a space for the eventual implant. They then insert 60-100 mL of saline into the expander. This is going to be done each week as it gradually gets to the desired size. 

Double D's?? Lol! But really it is kind of a hard decision to decide on size. You want a chest, but yet they are evil at the sane time! They did give me cancer.....Grrrr! 

(This is a photo of a tissue expander that has been inflated.)

On a side note I should comment on something that tends to boggle people's minds. When they see me they are surprised to see that it does look like I have small bumps. Most people are too shy to ask. But most people can't resist looking down. Don't worry! I'm not offended. It is odd to think why if I had my boobs cut off does it look like their is something there. Those are the expanders. It is an odd thing to look at. 

The lack of tissue makes your chest cavity really cave in and then you have these expanders that create a small bulge. The oddest thing is that my chest is numb because all the nerves were cut. So I can't feel when I touch the expanders. But I can feel the expander bag and metal parts with my fingers that are inside me. So creepy! I don't feel pain where there is no tissue. Most of my daily pain from surgery is underneath my chest where the tissue resumes and my left arm and armpit from the lymph node surgery. Otherwise the pain is now very manageable. I have been getting a rash near my port incisions. This has made me nervous because I need my port for a year! They were kind of baffled by the rash and they are assuming that I have some abscess from some of the stitches that are under the skin. We are watching this very close. If the port gets infected they have to surgically remove it. And then I would have to do IV's every time I come in for infusions and injections. 

And then I get one more piece of bad news. Today they decided the skin still hasn't healed enough to begin the process. I do want them to only begin the process if it is safe and the skin is ready, but now I am two weeks behind healing schedule. This is the part that makes me gloomy. I feel like there are so many factors in play that any set backs can have an impact on the next step in the process. Today just put me in a funk and I no longer felt very brave. And this is added to the impending doom of chemo in two days. I am a planner and I just want to have everything follow the schedule. And then the negativity sets in....I was frustrated about missing my class for an appointment that seemed wasted. I was frustrated that I had to drive all the way up to Huntsman for nothing to happen. I just wanted to go home and cry. And so I called my mom and cried, I went to get a needed hug from Kaliee, came to school and vented to my girls, and Amelia came to give me the best 4 year old kiss and I was able to switch my focus. I live so close to the greatest cancer center. Some patients come from Idaho or Nevada. I have the greatest doctors who don't just rush procedures. They are cautious and caring and put my physical health first. I have a support group that is there through it all, even if it means a longer journey. I am not alone. And sometimes it is okay to feel weak and cry so that you can recognize and find strength.

So I now wait until next Wednesday and hope that they will be able to proceed. The process of expanding will make me feel achy. I never had braces when I was a kid, but I really do like the term "braces for boobs" because it seems a lot like when my kids have had their braces tightened. I will be achy and sore for a few days every time. Today my strength was tested and I failed momentarily. But thanks to everyone around me I regrounded myself and I am back for battle. I guess you can't be strong everyday, but if you let sorrow consume you forget to count your blessing and notice the sunshine in your life. 

Estate planning

Joey and I have had some hard discussions over the past month. You don't usually really look at the topic of death within the first year of marriage. In fact, our attorney, Doug Fadel, said that most often couples are in their 60's before they really sit down and get things in writing. Joey asked me last week if there was anything that needed to be in place to make me feel more comfortable and I told him I needed to write my will. So Friday after work we started our planning of our living wills and medical directives. These decisions have been hard to discuss. But we of course have added humor at every turn. We kept telling our kids to behave and be nice since we were writing our wills! It is almost as powerful as asking them to behave for Santa. And Joey told my mom that he would leave all his shoes to her!

I don't want to make light of the situation, but looking from my perspective I have new insight into all of this. Have you though about where your kids would go in the event of your death? How will you provide for them from heaven? Do you have a life insurance policy? Are your assets going to have to go through probate court because they are not in a trust? And how do these questions alter and change when you have blended families? Obviously we needed an expert to guide us through and we feel pretty confident that we have made some wise decisions and of course the plan is that now the paperwork will sit for years and years and that we will both live until we are very old. But regardless it is comforting to begin chemo with a safety net..... A just in case.

Some of my regrets: 

I can no longer apply for short term disability or long term disability because I would not pass the underwriting. I have cancer!! I used to have both of these as part of my district benefits but I decided to save money I would elect to let them lapse. Booo!! I just assumed I was young and that there would be time to add them at a later point. Bad move. Is this something you can do for yourself?

I do have a small life insurance policy and one supplemental plan offered through my employer, but it wouldn't  provide much after a funeral and medical bills would be paid for. And now I regret not increasing my life insurance or applying for an additional one. At this point no changes can be made. Not once you have the cancer word in your medical chart.  Have you provided a policy to take care of your family in case of your death? 

One year I signed up for Conseco and it would pay you if you got cancer. (Like Aflac) But I was a single mom and money got tight and I let the policy lapse. That money would be so nice right now. I didn't really think I would ever get cancer. 

There were many other issues we discussed with our estate planning, but the above things are just some regrets. I can't go back and make things better for the here and now. But you still have a chance to decide what you can do in your life to plan for these things. I was talking to a faculty member at my y not be able to school and we were talking about the push in the past few years for food storage. Now as things are changing in our country I am very grateful for my health insurance. I am happy to pay my deductibles and feel safe that my insurance company will cover their portion. I would be very nervous to be uninsured at this time. But perhaps in the future food storage isn't what I will need stocked up, but maybe I need some extra cash to pay medical bills.

Tonight I am grateful for the planning I do have in place, the planning we are implementing and yet it will still go to bed with some "what ifs" in my heart. Make plans. Be smart. You never know if and when cancer or something else will hit your household. Do everything you can to be prepared. You may not be able to jump in the deep end but do something!