Anxious night

This week has been full of ups and downs. I have taught full days this week with the expection of a doctor's appointment on Tuesday morning. Monday I felt great and Tuesday I felt off all day and almost went home. But I did it! I made it through. My mom helped me get through the days by bringing me lunch AND she did all the laundry for the kids! We had dinners brought in. Thank you Amy and Jessica and Chatterton's. It was such a relief to just be able to go home and get in bed and recover. 

Dinner one night came with an adorable get well card from Brighton and a promise for a couples trip when I recover! 

My appointment on Tuesday was awesome because my drains were removed. Joey decided to watch this time. Gross! And I wasn't nervous at all because last time they didn't hurt..... But I was SO wrong. The left side, where the lymph nodes were removed, hurt so bad. I cried... I couldn't help it. I kept trying to tell myself to be tough but it was no use. But they are out now and I'm so relieved to not have to drain them every morning and night. Next week they start injecting saline into the expanders and I was told it would feel like your milk coming in when you've had a baby and that feeling will last for a few months. No jumping in a hot shower to relieve the pressure. You just suck it up! The positive is that most of my nerves were cut in the surgery so most of my chest is still numb. 

But tonight I can't sleep.... It is the big dr visit in the morning and I am dreading it and can't wait at that same time. You know that feeling you get the night before you go in vacation. ...it kind of feels like that. I am so nervous that the oncologist will recommend the most aggressive chemo. And then I'm dreading that he won't do the most aggressive approach and we won't get it all. Just so many fears and unsettled feelings. But we will know tomorrow what the next 18 weeks will look like. And that eases my mind a lot. I'm a planner and I want the plan in place.

So tomorrow I face my fears. And I will gain strength and courage and confidence by facing these fears. 

Thank you to Prudential for the beautiful flower arrangement. It is bright and beautiful and helps lighten our home. 

Love this bracelet cuff from Uncle Larry and Aunt Kathy. And I have made the decision to fight! This reminds me why I am going through the pain and hard moments. I want to live!

Tomorrow we start our healthy eating habits. No more Diet Cokes, candy, processed foods, etc. On chemo sick days I'm free to indulge in what tastes or sounds good, but otherwise I'm going to be pretty strict! These cookbooks are our guide and come highly recommended. I want to do everything that I can to be as healthy as I can to fight cancer. I have a supportive husband who is buying healthy options and kids that are grudgingly participating with our healthy changes!

Sophie brought me this awesome chemo bag full of goodies put together by Ginger Johnson- a breast cancer survivor! The blanket is the greatest thing! So velvety and soft! And the Bit o Honey's may not last. 

 "Ginger's Story

At age 35, Ginger is a four-year breast cancer survivor. Ginger was five months pregnant at the time of her diagnosis and made the difficult decision to begin treatments after giving birth to her son, who is three years old today.

During her chemotherapy treatments, Ginger made it her mission to bring smiles to other survivors by collecting gifts from local businesses and giving them out as "prizes."

"My journey with breast cancer showed me that good things can still come from difficult experiences, and, as a Pink Together Survivor Ambassador, this is the message I hope to bring to others who have been touched by this disease," said Ginger. "The Pink Together community made it possible for me to connect with people touched by breast cancer, and I encourage other survivors and supporters to share their stories on PinkTogether.com, so that they too can find strength during a difficult time in their lives."

Although her treatments are over, Ginger is still determined to bring joy to the lives of those who have been impacted by breast cancer. She is the director of HappyChemo!, whose mission is to bring happiness to those dealing with the negative effects of chemotherapy and cancer by providing resources, discounts and free giveaways. Ginger is also a member of Young Survivor Sisters, a breast cancer support group in Utah for young women in their 20s, 30s and 40s."

Ginger is currently spotlighted on the General Mills Pink national campaign. Happy Chemo has a Facebook page that I have been following and is another great foundation if you are looking for a donation that goes straight to cancer patients. 

Kim Volk went shopping at my favorite store (owned by my friend since we were little and danced together in Stars-Sheridan Mordue) Hip n Humble. Kim just knows me so well. I guess that's what happens when your classroom is right next to mine! She saw this school box and it was PERFECT! And of course lemon is so my flavor right now! I'm not sure if you can tell but the side of the box says "Be Fearless". I love it!! 

So to help me sleep tonight I pulled out the lavender neck wrap that MiKell gave me. It is so soothing! I think it might do the trick and help me sleep. So for now I will reach over and hold Joey's hand and let him comfort me as I share my fears out loud with him and tomorrow I will try to face my fears. I know that this will be easier because of all of you supporting us! Thank you!