A Husband's Perspective

This is my first opportunity to share my feelings regarding Lisa’s cancer and some of our experiences thus far. I will do my best to summarize them from my perspective. Let me say first and foremost that I love my wife with all of my heart and am so grateful that I have her! Even with all of the challenges we are facing with this cancer I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but by her side! She makes me happy like no one else ever has and she is my everything!

Husbands are problem solvers. That doesn’t actually mean that husbands are a better at solving problems. It just means that we might be a tad bit less patient and don’t need/like to talk about problems. Rather we would prefer to skip the chitchat and dive in and fix them. We like to take control and be in control! Clearly this isn’t new information to men or women, but this is where my mind and emotions went when we found out that Lisa had cancer. What could I grab hold of? What could I control? Point me in the direction of the fight and let me go!

Early after the diagnosis we were eating dinner with Lisa’s family and I caught myself saying something that had been a reoccurring statement over the recent days. I told Lisa that I wished that I could take the cancer from her and go through it instead of her. I wasn’t exactly sure why I said it. I was just sure about the power of the emotion behind it. I’m sure she thought that it was my attempt at a Christ like expression or something similar, but as the days went on I grew to understand what I was feeling. I realized that I was more scared of watching my wife suffer than I was of personally feeling the pain. I realized that I felt less in control of the disease if it was in her body than in mine. And ultimately I am more scared of loosing someone that I have waited so long for than I am loosing my own life! There I was falling into my “man pattern” trying to take control of something that felt so uncontrollable. I realized that this was going to be harder than I had imagined as almost everything was and is going to be out of my control. I was going to have to trust in doctors and medical personnel I don’t know and most of all I am going to have to trust God.

Watching Lisa suffer has been almost unbearable! I’m not sure I have ever been through anything that wrenches my soul and makes me feel so useless at the same time! I feel like my efforts to comfort her are so feeble and useless. I can’t hold her because it hurts her. I can’t hug her because it hurts her. She is often times in so much pain that I can only hold her hand or rub her forehead. The first several nights following surgery she cried and moaned in her sleep. Every time she did I sat up in bed to make sure she was OK. Luckily most of the time she slept right through it. By the end of the second day my abs hurt from what felt like a million sit ups. It breaks my heart to watch her tears rolls down her face knowing I can’t fix it for her! I wish there was an intruder to fight off, a bully to yell down or someone or something tangible I could protect her from! Something I could take control of for her!

Through all of this I have maintained my focus on our children. They are going through every emotion imaginable and they lack the life experience/maturity to process much of the “behind the scenes” aspects. I take this responsibility very seriously! I love our kids and think they are some of the most amazing people I have ever met! They are such strong kids, but I want them to grow and learn from Lisa’s cancer! We both feel like it’s very important that they are able to talk as openly and frequently and whenever they want to us.  We are always sure to ask them to share their feelings with us. We are also sharing with them… just not everything.

You would be amazed how often you can pray when your wife has cancer. I bet I pray silently in my head almost as often as I have random thoughts lately. It definitely brings me peace and has been huge for the kids and the family as a whole!

Crying is OK. I was at the gym one morning early this week and to my surprise I started to tear up. For those of you who don’t know that’s not something you do when you’re lifting weights at the gym! I think it was the first time that I was able to let my guard down and not be brave for anyone else. I was pretty clever with all of it though… you would be surprised how much your eyes can sweat during a hard workout!

My wife is beautiful! I’m not talking about last month or two months ago. I’m talking about right now at this exact moment! I have never met anyone who takes my breath away like she does! Every time we hold hands I feel like I’m home. I love her gorgeous face. The subtle curves of her body. The color and depth of her eyes. The tone of her skin. I love her smell, her hair, even her feet (even though she won’t let me pop her toes)!  The truth is I think she is beautiful beyond words! As a man I can’t pretend to imagine what it might be like to have both breasts removed. I have heard a couple of well intended guys say that it would be like loosing the “twins” down below, but I don’t think that comes close though. I don’t recall ever buying clothing that was designed around or that accentuated mine. I think that other than the loss of function it would be more like a man loosing the muscle in their biceps. I think both can play a role in gender confidence and sexuality. It will be about a year before Lisa will have hers back. Personally I think she is just as gorgeous either way and I love her!  

As I reflect on our emotions throughout this experience I am reminded that my job as a husband right now isn’t to fix this.  I can only do those things that are within my power.  I will help our kids with anything that eases their burdens, but will still try to teach them to find strength through their journey.  I can grow closer to our family members. And I won’t stop praying.  In fact, I might just pray harder and pray longer.  And if you see me at the gym and I’m “sweating from my eyes” just know it is my time when I can let my guard down and just let myself feel the weight of our situation.  I will allow myself these moments and allow them to “fix” me so that I can remain strong for the family.  And most of all I will remind Lisa everyday that I love her and that she is beautiful, because I know that I can fix her self image and help her understand her own beauty.  I can try to ease her pain and suffering.  Maybe it is to cover her with a blanket or bring her a SOBE water.  And maybe for now I can only hold and rub her hand, but I will try to comfort her in every way that I can.  I can reassure her that she is my heart and that I am with her through it all.