Today was the day that I have been dreading for a few weeks. Last Tuesday they were going to start to expand the tissue expanders. But unfortunately we had a small set back with a section of skin near the incision on the left side. The purpose of a mastectomy is to remove all tissue so there isn't a chance for any cancer cells to remain. With that being said they were quite aggressive with the tissue on that side and the skin has a hard time living without tissue and blood supply underneath the skin. One downside was that they felt I needed more healing time before they started chemo and added more pressure to the incisions through expansion. I just want to get things started so they can be over! But it is only a few days away. 
Double D's?? Lol! But really it is kind of a hard decision to decide on size. You want a chest, but yet they are evil at the sane time! They did give me cancer.....Grrrr! 
The lack of tissue makes your chest cavity really cave in and then you have these expanders that create a small bulge. The oddest thing is that my chest is numb because all the nerves were cut. So I can't feel when I touch the expanders. But I can feel the expander bag and metal parts with my fingers that are inside me. So creepy! I don't feel pain where there is no tissue. Most of my daily pain from surgery is underneath my chest where the tissue resumes and my left arm and armpit from the lymph node surgery. Otherwise the pain is now very manageable. I have been getting a rash near my port incisions. This has made me nervous because I need my port for a year! They were kind of baffled by the rash and they are assuming that I have some abscess from some of the stitches that are under the skin. We are watching this very close. If the port gets infected they have to surgically remove it. And then I would have to do IV's every time I come in for infusions and injections.
I was kind of relieved that I had another week because I was so nervous about the pain and pressure of the expanders. They compare the feeling to having your milk come in after you have a baby. And I get to have that feeling for three months.
The procedure uses a magnet that they hover over the incisions and the magnet locates the membrane in the expander which is under the skin. The insert a syringe inside that membrane and pull back. The fluid should be blue. This tells them they are inside the expander that they placed to hold a space for the eventual implant. They then insert 60-100 mL of saline into the expander. This is going to be done each week as it gradually gets to the desired size.
(This is a photo of a tissue expander that has been inflated.)
On a side note I should comment on something that tends to boggle people's minds. When they see me they are surprised to see that it does look like I have small bumps. Most people are too shy to ask. But most people can't resist looking down. Don't worry! I'm not offended. It is odd to think why if I had my boobs cut off does it look like their is something there. Those are the expanders. It is an odd thing to look at.
And then I get one more piece of bad news. Today they decided the skin still hasn't healed enough to begin the process. I do want them to only begin the process if it is safe and the skin is ready, but now I am two weeks behind healing schedule. This is the part that makes me gloomy. I feel like there are so many factors in play that any set backs can have an impact on the next step in the process. Today just put me in a funk and I no longer felt very brave. And this is added to the impending doom of chemo in two days. I am a planner and I just want to have everything follow the schedule. And then the negativity sets in....I was frustrated about missing my class for an appointment that seemed wasted. I was frustrated that I had to drive all the way up to Huntsman for nothing to happen. I just wanted to go home and cry. And so I called my mom and cried, I went to get a needed hug from Kaliee, came to school and vented to my girls, and Amelia came to give me the best 4 year old kiss and I was able to switch my focus. I live so close to the greatest cancer center. Some patients come from Idaho or Nevada. I have the greatest doctors who don't just rush procedures. They are cautious and caring and put my physical health first. I have a support group that is there through it all, even if it means a longer journey. I am not alone. And sometimes it is okay to feel weak and cry so that you can recognize and find strength.
So I now wait until next Wednesday and hope that they will be able to proceed. The process of expanding will make me feel achy. I never had braces when I was a kid, but I really do like the term "braces for boobs" because it seems a lot like when my kids have had their braces tightened. I will be achy and sore for a few days every time. Today my strength was tested and I failed momentarily. But thanks to everyone around me I regrounded myself and I am back for battle. I guess you can't be strong everyday, but if you let sorrow consume you forget to count your blessing and notice the sunshine in your life.
Oh Lisa, I would hardly count your test as a failure. Crying over something is never failing (or I'm in big trouble). You are such an example of faith and strength. Of course you're going to cry, feel angry, and disappointed sometimes. You have to mourn what you've lost, while you embrace your future. Even as I read this post all I see is how brave and strong you are through this whole process. I'm sorry you had a setback and have to wait. I *hate* waiting. Love you.
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