Trials and tribulations

My Grandpa Turner was a great example of how to overcome trials and tribulations. He was a problem solver and always jumped right into a problem and tackled it with everything he had. As a grown adult he often showed me exactly how to find the good in situations that seemed impossible. He had never learned to swim and as an adult he decided it was time to learn. So he took this challenge and not only decided to teach himself, but he built an indoor pool so that he could learn and overcome this trial. He improved over time and slowly conquered some of his fears of swimming. This may not seem to relate to cancer, but it does to me. When I think about a giant mountain that I have to climb over the next year it seems too daunting. But if I just jump in and take things as they come I can find joys even in this battle. 

As a young girl I loved going to Grandma Turner's house. They had acres and acres of land that we would use as our adventure playground. The ponds, the tractors, the horses, the indoor pool. When I was lucky enough to have a sleepover we would go to Riverton drug and get coloring books and treats. She always had Big Red in her cupboard and we loved sleeping out on the deck. 

Now that she lives in St. George I don't get to see her as often as I would like, but she arrived yesterday for an extended visit. My grandma is a great example of a fighter. She was a small town girl who knew what she wanted in life. She wanted that hot man from Spanish Fotk and went for it. And what a great man! In fact, Joey reminds me a lot of my Grandpa Turner.

Grandpa was such a strong man. He has the greatest muscles and could do anything. He is such a good example of a hard worker.  He loved the outdoors, hunting, and puzzles.  He built hotels in Yellowstone and built our cabin in Heber. His legacy will remain forever. And I know that as he looks down from heaven he approves of my choice in a husband. They would have been close friends. And I know that he is helping watch over me and helping Joey. As time moves on it is hard to see life change. It is hard to watch Grandma walk slowly now. It is hard to remember all our memories. Over the past few days I have realized that cancer is a trial that I must face. And my brother reminded me that we always learn from our tribulations. Cancer makes you think about loved ones and you cherish each moment. I find myself talking more softly to my kids when I'm angry. I am not as irritated with annoying drivers. I take those little moments and find gratitude in each one. I know that I have lots of time left in my life. But why would I not learn from this experience and grow as much as I can at this time. 

I am grateful for the lessons that I am learning. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful that we found the tumor in time to eliminate this disease.  I cherish quiet moments more. I contemplate the things I am teaching my children. Am I giving them the big lessons? And as they watch this battle ensue are they learning about love and patience? I notice that the little things don't bother me as much. I am trying to continue to look for the positives and learn from this challenge. 

Chemo was four days ago and I'm still here fighting. Thursday and Friday were pretty manageable, just a little queasy and a little tired. And then the bone pain hit. It feels like arthritis and my body aches. Maybe it is easiest to compare the feeling like a bad case of the flu. You just feel weak, exhausted, drained, and kind of out of it! But I am grateful to have medicines that have prevented me from throwing up. And I have a husband who rubs my feet and it eases some of the pain. I am grateful for plastic stemware. Regular silverware makes food taste metallic. The sausage for breakfast tasted like car oil, but I was grateful that the scrambled eggs tasted so good! My skin and lips feel so dry and cracked, but I love my SmartWater! I have a very flushed face and chest, but that is part of the reaction after chemo. And the bonus is that I don't look sick! I look like I just spent a week in Cabo! And to add insult to injury my monthly visitor decided now was the perfect time to appear. Boo!!! But the plus is that as long as I feel crappy let's just have them combined! 

So I am finding that if I am facing a challenge I need to not complain about little things. Instead I need to remember the big picture is about tackling the whole disease. Instead of tiptoeing into the swimming pool I'm jumping in and going to conquer this trial. 

This is the quote my brother shared with me today:  "Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were--better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before. (“I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee”)"

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/i-will-not-fail-thee-nor-forsake-thee?lang=eng