Purpose of life

Tonight we celebrated my 39th birthday with a dinner out and a movie. I won't be feeling so hot on my birthday after chemo and so we jumped the gun a week early! 

Dinner was amazing and yes, all six of us ordered the exact same meal: peel and eat shrimp, salad (dressings did vary), and 1 1/4 lb of dungeoness crab with BBQ seasoning. Amazing!

We then got to see my choice for a movie!!! I chose Walter Mitty. (My mom wanted to see Saving Mr. Banks and Joey wanted to see 47 Ronin.) For years I have included the James Thurber short story about this dreamer in my classroom and I always show the 1940's version of Walter Mitty that stars Danny Kaye. 

It is brilliant and doesn't stray far from the story. This is probably in my top ten movies and lessons that I teach. So I went with some trepidation, but I had to know if it was at all similar. And it is nothing like the story except that it is a young man who gets lots in his daydreams. So for my classroom I will stick with the old school version. But personally this movie hit home tonight. 

When you face cancer or a disease you might be in a situation where you are given a limited window for life. And perhaps you don't believe it will be the end, but it is hard to not wonder. I've seen movies where they get cancer and decide to spend all their money and go travel the world. Those individuals live their life to the fullest. 

I know I will survive this, but am I living my life to the fullest? I haven't lost my marbles! I'm not going to sell the house and take the kids to India to eat, pray and love! But why am I not taking more from this time. Mikayla will be graduated in 2 1/2 years and I need to spend more time with her. I have so many dear friends that I want to see and keep up on their lives. Why am I not meeting up with them? Or calling them more often? Why do I sit home? Mostly it is because I don't want to talk about cancer all the time. But I am also lazy and tired. On my 11 good days I am cleaning, doing laundry, etc. But what if? Won't I have regrets that I didn't spend more time with loved ones and friends.

So it is time for me to live. This week I read a novel that I have been waiting to read and that was all I did for an entire day and I loved it! I need to really think about not only the things I want to do for others but also the things I want to do for me! 

My mom took me shopping and to lunch for my birthday yesterday and it felt so nice to just be a girl and shop. We are talking the 'take your time' kind of shopping. No rush! No kids! And it was awesome! 

In the movie he presents the motto that guides his "purpose in life":

“To see things thousands of miles away, things hidden behind walls and within rooms, things dangerous to come to, to draw closer, to see and be amazed and to feel that is the purpose of life.”
But I can't help but disagree. Do I really have to travel thousands of miles to find my purpose? 

Perhaps the hidden things behind walls can relate. Do we have walls? Do we need to tear them down for others and let them see our vulnerabilities? Or perhaps our purpose us to help our loved ones tear down their walls.

What does he mean when he says dangerous? Do I have to repel off a tree? ( I have done that!!) But maybe dangerous can mean making hard decisions. I don't know if the chemo is getting all the cancer. And perhaps they got it all in surgery and I'm going through all this for naught. But yet I will wake up tomorrow and allow the chemo to enter my body. I can be brave. Is that living dangerously? 

Purpose of life? 

To draw closer- YES! Of course

To see- YES! How does perspective change over the course of a life. Why does 39 feel SO much older than 38? What do I see differently as I question the purpose of life?

To be amazed- YES! And I think this includes faith. Life is amazing! I am amazed by love, good deeds, medical progress, and tender mercies.

To feel- YES! We have to feel it all: pain, joy, hate, love, tears, happiness. We have to feel to really understand purpose. 

I was reading a blog by Drew Zahn and he commented on the movie:

"What is the purpose of living, of seeking, of searching, of struggling, of striving, of resting and loving and hope – what is the end goal?"  

“What is the chief and highest end of man?” 

“Man’s chief and highest end is to glorify God, and fully to enjoy him forever.”

"I would argue, that is what makes the seeing, the dangerous and the drawing close so amazing."

This is my favorite picture that my mom once shared after talking with Cyd McBride. I was in my twenties at the time and it has always stuck. There is no door handle on His side of the door. He is just waiting for me to open the door- for me to glorify Him.

And now that puts things into perspective. Have I glorified God? And what does that mean? Do I pray to him for help and to thank him? Do I humble myself enough? Am I raising these children with correct values and principles? Do I SEE God in my everyday life? Do I sense the danger of abandoning the belief that I need his help to get through this.... that I cannot do this alone. And have I drawn closer to God. I know my answers to these questions. Do you?

And then my thoughts turned to some cheesy lyrics that I have known all my life:

Paper Dream

Words and Music by Doug Stewart and Lex de Azevedo

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I take some paper in my hand and with a pencil draw a man,
The dream of what I'd really, really like to be.
A man with courage in his brow, who's licked all doubts and fears somehow.
A warrior of great nobility.

But who am I? Just a wandering kid.
A cipher on the wall, not even brave at all!
And where's my dream like his that I would fight for?
And where's my cause like his that I would die for?


And in his eyes he's not afraid. Because, you see he's got it made.
The dream of what I'd really, really like to be.
A brave and noble firey youth. Who's not afraid to die for truth.
Who's tall and straight but best of all he's free.

 Yes......

This is part of my purpose. To not be afraid. To make it. To have the time to become who I really want to be. To be brave and fiery. To not be afraid of death if it comes from truth. To stand tall with my bald head. And ultimately with Him to be cancer free!