Scary fears

Ghosts and goblins are going to be out tonight. I don't do well in scary movies. I scream out loud in theaters. I'm scared of the wind. I'm scared of snakes, mice and spiders. But lately my fears have shifted. I have started having bad dreams. I don't remember them, but Joey said last night I was crying in my sleep and when he woke me up I said that I was crying because Dominoes had gotten our order wrong......what? I remember a dream a few nights ago when I dreamt that the fridge had fallen on my chest and the pain was unbearable. Odd fears? New fears? Misplaced fears? 

Pain now gives me fear. Waiting for test results gives me fear. Watching Joey carry so many burdens makes me fear. I watch the kids for changes and anticipate and over compensate for their fears. I watch our parents experience fear which makes me fearful. I wonder if they missed any cancer cells in surgery. I wonder when the pain will stop. I wonder when I will feel normal. And yet I still hold it together with my fears just under the surface. 

This week I returned to work. I was fearful of what would happen the last week of the term if I wasn't there. Angela had done an amazing job of keeping things updated, but I needed to be there. And yet I was fearful of going. I didn't know if I could make it. I compromised and taught half days this week. Joey drove me to and from work every day. He walked me into my classroom. My mom brought me lunch every day. And I did it. I survived. It wasn't always easy but I managed. 

We have had lots of friends sign up to bring in meals through our online calendar, lotsahelpinghands. Thank you for the meals. As I watched my fears arise each day I was scared, but then I watched then dissipate. So what are your greatest fears? And how to we tackle those fears? And what do we learn from those moments? 

I learned that sometimes it is okay to just let go and trust others to take care of things. This is so hard for me. I have trusted before and been hurt. It is a fearful thing to let down your guard and to trust again. 

I learned that I have a lot of people who have my back. I was fearful of how I would make it through each day. Whether it was a teacher getting me ice, a student helping me carry something, a treat to make me happy, an unexpected package in the mail from a loved one.... I am overwhelmed with love! Sometimes in my life I have had doubts that I have deep, true friends. Sometimes when things get rough you find out who your true friends are....AND the most overwhelming thing is that I have so many more true friends than I ever imagined. You feel guilty accepting gifts and help, but then you realize that they just want to do something to show you how much they love and care about you. My fear was replaced with humility from the acts of kindness shown to me. 

I learned that sometimes you never know who might be touched by your journey. I have received notes of love from my dad's work associate in Germany, my mother-in-law receives emails of well wishes to forward to me, and friends I haven't heard from in years comfort me. So fear about sharing my journey.... Fear of my words being analyzed...  Fear of wondering how to say the right things in the right way- this fear was replaced by reassurance. If I share my heart and it is true and honest then there is nothing to fear.

I learned that my husband is an amazing realtor. He works so hard and he loves what he does. When I have needed to get out he drives me to amazing places that even after living here all my life I have never encountered. I watch his passion for his job and love that he is my support. He is amazing!  He quickly showed me how brilliant he is at his job. And the bonus is that I love what he does. I love to go look at homes with him. I love meeting his clients. Some of you have seen this first hand when I tag along. My fears change to passion as he provides an escape for me. We get to experience the historical avenues in Salt Lake. We enjoy the comforts and beauty of Davis County.  His energy is contagious. And he always throws in stories during our adventures that take me far from the worries of the day.

So then I look to the positive things to help me get through the fearful moments:

We received great reports from our doctors this week. The skin we thought that might die looks better every day. Two of the four tubes are out. AND I was scared for them to remove them and it didn't hurt. My left arm is very sore but I am learning that it is normal. It feels like your skin is burnt off and all your nerves are exposed from the lack of lymph nodes. They took out 27 lymph nodes! But as my doctors love and reassure me the pain gets easier to bear. The doctors are confident that we have clear margins!

My plastic surgeon loves me! And he loves Joey. And he is the guy we will see the most!! And he will make me feel like a woman again in a year and ease more fears. My general surgeon has now released me from his care and is turning me over to the oncologist next week. I have fear about chemo still but I know that I can do it with the love I feel. 

I learned that love gets you over your fears. Patience and learning will calm your insecurities. So tonight as the doorbell rings and I see the joy on the faces of the kids when they get candy I need to remember that when we face our fears we get rewards. We don't have to feel alone. We have loved ones that will hold our hands through our scariest moments. 

My biggest fear still remains and has been unspoken except to Joey. I look at our kids getting in their Halloween costumes and I am grateful for every moment. Because I have that small fear..... Will I be here for years to come? And I do feel confident that I will be, but it is a fear that must be conquered. I need to feel every bit of pain and fight hard to look that fear straight in the face and overcome and become a survivor. 

(Gage as Superman..... Dallas as Glowman)

(Savana as Queen of Hearts.... Mikayla as Supergirl)

(Bailey as a ladybug)

(Cobi as a miserable honeybee)

(Me as Sue Sylvester from Glee)

And the LOVE doctor!! So appropriate for all the time we spend up at Huntsman.... And a few fantasies.

So tonight and at any point when we feel fear .... Replace it with love! Find strength in your loved ones and trust that they are there for the long haul. Don't be scared.... Be BRAVE!

Gone, Gone, Gone

Each night as Joey drains my tubes we listen to music. It is at these moments that I feel most in touch with my husband as he serves me. Lyrics to songs become more meaningful and they often become so different than I'm sure the artist intended. The other night we heard Phillip Phillips, "Gone, Gone, Gone" and the song took on new meaning:

 "Gone, Gone, Gone"

When life leaves you high and dry

I'll be at your door tonight

If you need help, if you need help.

I'll shut down the city lights,

I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe

To make you well, to make you well.

When enemies are at your door

I'll carry you away from war

If you need help, if you need help.

Your hope dangling by a string

I'll share in your suffering

To make you well, to make you well.

Give me reasons to believe

That you would do the same for me.

And I would do it for you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on

I love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I love you long after you're gone

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

When you fall like a statue

I'm gon' be there to catch you

Put you on your feet, you on your feet.

And if your well is empty

Not a thing will prevent me.

Tell me what you need, what do you need?

I surrender honestly.

You've always done the same for me.

So I would do it for you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on,

I love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I love you long after you're gone

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

You're my back bone.

You're my cornerstone.

You're my crutch when my legs stop moving.

You're my head start.

You're my rugged heart.

You're the pulse that I've always needed.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum my heart never stops beating...

For you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on.

I love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on,

I love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I love you long, long after you're gone.

I have realized that through the past week I have had many loved ones who have been my back bone. They are there to catch me and they are at my door to make me well. Most of all when my hope has felt like it was dangling by a string my loved ones were there sharing my suffering. They want to make me well. 

We arrived at the hospital last Monday morning at 8 am. We didn't wait too long and we met my surgeon as he reviewed the plans for the morning. He injected radioactive die under my left nipple which shows the course of the cancer as it exits the breast and infiltrates the lymph system. This is designed to remove as much of the cancer as possible. He discussed with us whether or not they would remove all lymph nodes. His recommendation based on my young age was to be aggressive and attempt to ensure that the cancer would never come back. Joey and I agreed with this plan. 

We were then moved into a pre-op room for them to get me ready. Pregnancy test was negative!! Yup they check everyone! They started an IV which finally worked the 2nd time. My plastic surgeon came in to discuss my wish to try to save the nipples. After an emotional conversation it was deemed better for long term success and less risks in the future to remove them. This was hard....:(

I gave my mom a long, hard hug and gave Joey a big kiss and they wheeled me away as they were injecting some relaxing medicine into the IV. The last thing I remember was telling my anesthesiologist that we were in a Nascar race but I was in a gurney... Not a car! I told him to go faster! 

And I was out.... The surgery was scheduled for 3-4 hours and it took 5 1/2 hours. My surgeon visited my family frequently with updates. I was in recovery for a few hours and finally wheeled into my room on the 5th floor around 6 pm. What a long day for my family. They were sharing my suffering. They were anxious and nervous. I first started complaining about my left leg hurting in the recovery room and I couldn't quit complaining about this. I guess the compression from my leg had caused some bruising and abrasions. I couldn't feel my chest or anything else. I just wanted to complain about my leg! They gave me a morphine pump which I could touch every ten minutes for fast pain relief. But it wore off quickly so you had to push it every ten minutes. Joey stayed by my side all night and helped wake me up so that I could push my morphine. It was hard to get much sleep when I had to keep pushing that button. But I couldn't get mad at the button because it made the pain go away. The most I would sleep was 30 minutes at a time. Eventually Joey went to sleep on the hide-a-bed in the hospital room. My mom and dad went to our house to take care of things there. My brother was already there edging our lawn. Jill and Jared picked up the kids after school and fed and entertained them until they brought them home for bed. 

The nurses checked on me frequently throughout the night. My mom had made up a candy jar so I could offer the nurses a treat when they came to care for me. This was awesome! I was never without a nurse, but I did want to sleep! At 6 am (which felt like 3 am) the doctors were making rounds and the residents told me they were taking away the morphine pump. This was not okay. My head wasn't clear and I figured this meant I was done with pain medicine. Time to be tough! But I had tried to get up and go to the bathroom and the pain on my left side was excruciating. Why would they take the relief away? What I didn't understand was that they were just moving me to oral pain medications. But in my panic I needed Joey. He was asleep on the hide-a-bed with earplugs in! I was yelling..."Joey, they are taking away the morphine". All I got was snoring.... So I had a half empty bottle of water next to me and I figured I'd throw it and it might hit his feet.....um I hit his face! Oops! He woke up and found out my panic was misplaced and reassured me. Now he makes sure that I don't sleep with water bottles within reach.

My mom arrived in the morning after the kids went to school and spent time with me until lunch. It was so nice to have my mom brush my hair and hold my hand. She will never stop being my mom. She wants to take this from me and I see hurt in her eyes because she wants to take the pain away from me. My dad stopped by and my aunt, Leslie. (Thanks for the book! I had a hard time trying to keep my eyes open to read!) My mom brought the three young kids up around 4 to have a short visit. It was great to see them, but I could see the fear in their eyes....BSD Medical (my dad and brother's work) sent flowers and Joey's dad and Laila sent up flowers. Around 6 MiKell and Moe showed up and my brother stopped by to visit. I was coming back to my room from a short walk. MiKell is one of the strongest women I know and the emotions were too hard for her to contain. She has been through this and understands this pain. She couldn't hold back her tears. She gave me a gorgeous pink Tory Burch gift set. They stayed with me and talked and watched tv. They watched me sleep. They watched my breathing and just loved me. The shift changed at 9 when my mom came to sleep over in case I needed help. The night was actually much better. I only woke up twice. We had breakfast together and the doctors did their visits planning and preparing me to go home. I had another visit from my aunt, Kathy. It was so nice to see another family member. I was feeling awesome! Everything was recovering well. There is some skin on my chest that may not live. In that case they would need to do a skin graft. Joey got to shower me for the first time with the help of the nurse. And I got to put on clothes and figure out to attach the drains to my clothes. I found a suggestion to use lanyards for my drains and it works beautifully. The first morning I was scared at the thought of going home, but now I was ready to see my kids, my dogs, my bed. I wanted to be next to my man. 

Through the hospital visit I was reminded how much support and love I had in my corner. I wasn't in my phone or Facebook, but Joey was constantly trying to update friends and loved ones. And just like the song says.... I have an enemy at my door and I can't be carried away, but the support I have lifts me through the damage the enemy is throwing my way. Cancer doesn't have a chance! So to cancer I say..."You are Gone, Gone, Gone"!

Intimacy

The title may suggest that this blog will be rated for adults, but it is more about true love. Joey and I have only been married for 8 months and intimacy wasn't ever an issue for us. One of my fears was that losing my chest would alter this form of intimacy. It isn't as much of an issue for couples who have been together forever, but it was one of my secret fears. Joey reassured me, and still does.... But it is hard to ignore the obvious when I look down and see huge scars going horizontally from my armpit to the center of my torso. 

And that is when Joey reminds me of how true our love is. He holds my hand, even if an IV gets in the way. He pulls the chair in the hospital right next to my bed, even if he might be in the nurse's way. He kisses me on the forehead. He hugs me gently. He rubs my feet. He tells me how beautiful I am. He shows his love in everything he does and says. 

I have four drains that are in place for 2 weeks. These are for the swelling and to prevent infection. They have to be drained at home. Joey does this for me. I don't know if I could do this for someone. He is gentle where the drain enters my body as he ensures that there are no blood clots in the lines. He has to measure and dictate after each draining session. He has never once complained. This is true love. This isn't about boobs or sex.... This is about truly caring for the woman you love.

And he showers me, which is the greatest part of my days. It takes a lot out of me, but it feels so good to be clean. And you know that it is true, deep love when you can let someone wash your bum. And soap up my body.... And my body does not look attractive right now. I have odd swelling in weird places. I have hairy legs and armpits. I have tubes that he has to be cautious of. My left arm can't be raised. He has to deal with my OCD issues of water near my eyes. 

Most couples have a lifetime to build their love. Ours has been put on fast forward. I am so grateful that he is my husband and  our rock in the family. And 8 months feels like 8 years. It is a selfless job to be a caretaker. He gives and gives and doesn't ask for anything in return. I sometimes see his stress when he is sitting quietly and I know that he is carrying the weight if the world right now.... But he makes me feel loved and beautiful in a time when it is hard to feel sexy. Intimacy is different for us, but I've never felt closer to anyone.

I think I can

The past few days have felt very long. Thank you Holly for updating the blog. They anticipated a 4 hour surgery and I was more of a 6 hour surgery. They were more aggressive than anticipated. They removed all of my lymph nodes and they are planning to biopsy that along with the breast tissue. My scars are kind of scary and nasty. But most of the cancer is out and the rest will be taken care of with chemo.

I am heading home today.... Wednesday. I have enjoyed to family members who stayed with me. I enjoyed my visitors. I've enjoyed to flowers and gifts. Thank you for keeping visits short. I get so tired. The hardest ting is getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. I get stinging sharp pain in the left side of my chest. It has gotten to the point that I'm afraid to go pee because I am fearful of this pain. 

And then I was reminded of my favorite childhood story. The story is of a little train who had never gone over the hill. It was too hard. It was too steep. And he was just a small train. But the little train had faith and was BRAVE... "I think I can" "I think I can" "I think I can"!

And Joey sent me a picture of this sign above our front door. I need to be the little engine that could. And each time I have gotten up the pain is a little more manageable. I thought I could! I knew I could! I'm not giving up or giving into the pain. 

Surgery Update

Lisa's sister Holly here.  Lisa arrived at the hospital bright and early and ready to begin her first big battle against her enemy.  The doctors began by injecting radioactive dye into the area.  Ouch!  They do this because it makes the cancer cells easy to see and helps the doctor get a clean margin.  It takes about two hours to settle and then it's time for surgery.  They started her surgery a little later than expected.  At about 11:00 she was taken back.  The doctor was really great about keeping everyone updated on his progress.  Lisa did great!  After about 5 1/2 hours of surgery, she was taken to recovery.  Thanks for all the prayers today on Lisa's behalf.  We appreciate all the love flowing our way.  I am sure Lisa and Joey can feel it.  Keep it coming!  They have only begun their journey in this fight.

Lifelong Besties

Tonight I arrived at Robintino's to find my friends that have been united since we were in elementary school. Kami, Tammy, Tracy, Amber, Sandy, Amy, Angie, Meridee and Heather were seated at the table adorned with breast cancer tee shirts and pink balloons floating at the end of the table. 

We are also SO loud when we get together because we relive memories and finally divulge secrets that we have kept for 20 years. We are always there for each other. Distance and time oftens creates a void between friends, but we have fought hard to make time to keep our bonds strong.

I have made friends at my places of employment over the years, in my neighborhood, in my kid's activities.... But it is reassuring to know that you have friends that remember you as you were at 4 years old. And you have gone through many hard things together. These girls have always been there. And this is why we were at dinner. They wanted to remind me how much they love and support me before I have my surgery. It did feel like a "last supper". I was so happy to see everyone, but I was so sad for the reason that we were meeting tonight.

The conversation centered a lot on cancer and boobs!! But eventually we were able to find that place where we are most comfortable sharing secrets and retelling our funniest moments. 

My parents even decided to swing by.... They miss my group of friends. And bravely they have taken us of many trips as teenagers and I think my mom has been missing those days when our worries were small. She needed to see the girls as much as I did! And without fail my dad had a message for us!! He is a quiet man, but he is very wise and inspired. So when he does have something to say it is usually pretty important:

"Being a good person is like being a pumpkin. God lifts you up, takes you
in, and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep
inside and scoops out all of the yucky stuff -- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. Then He carves you a bright new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see. This was passed on to me from another pumpkin. Now, it is your turn to pass it on to a pumpkin of your choice. I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch."

My dad wanted this to relate more to my current situation and took some creative license:

"Fighting cancer is like being a pumpkin. God (and others) lifts you up, takes you
in, and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all of the yucky stuff -- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, pride, cancer, etc. Then He carves you a bright new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see. This was passed on to me from another pumpkin."

The card my besties gave me made me cry. I couldn't fight my tears.... I love these girls. They are my family. They remember when I was called a nerd at Orchard Elementary. They remember our trips to Lake Powell, Grand Canyon, and Zions. They remember when I dressed up like a boy with Tracy dressed as my date to crash a Davis High dance and watch Kami and Heather at the prom. They remember my successes and they helped me overcome my failures. And they are here with my for my next successful adventure. 

The funniest part of the night came when we went to the parking lot. Everyone wanted to know what a tumor feels like.... And yup! They are my closest friends so everyone got to say goodbye to "the girls"!!! But no worries no one will have to say goodbye to THIS girl! I've for my friends behind me and I'm ready to fight!

Time to Growl

Tensions and emotions are raw today in our house. Everyone is a little edgy and the emotions and bubbling under the surface. I bit Joey's head off while I was helping him find his suit this morning. 

Our kids were whiny... And we just needed peace.

 

Then we went to Bridger's homecoming from his LDS mission. His first experience in the mission field was with a grouchy lady who "growled" at them! Turns out that she was a librarian and would accept any book and they left her with a book and she growled them away until after the holidays. When Bridger returned a few weeks later she was smiling and her whole demeanor had changed.

What made her happy?

She had the Spirit in her life. She was praying and trusting in the concept of faith. She was trying to be more like Christ. 

Regardless of religious preference we can all look at this in our daily lives. When we are grouchy what helps us the most? Diet Coke, chocolate, a vacation, a massage.... These help for every day. But what about the big things in our lives: illness, death, financial struggles. A Diet Coke doesn't always do the trick. We need faith. We need to pray. We need to rely in Heavenly Father. 

I realized that as Bridger talked I was not my best self this morning. And I'm sure I have been tense all day. I can't  be perfect all the time but I need to do the best I can. 

And then my thoughts turned to Jesus Christ. 

He suffered all the pain we would go through in the garden. He knows the pain I will have right now. He knows what I am going to go through tomorrow. And for the next year. He has done this! He is there for me. I am not alone. I am so grateful for my Savior. When I start to growl I need to think about his suffering.

Jill wanted me to save the tata's, but they are gone tomorrow! Actually I love this cup. I'm edgy and I do like the saying. Think about if I hadn't found this lump....get your mammograms girls!

More importantly she knows the sport fanatic in me... So this fits on so many levels.... Go Boston! Be Brave! Bye Boobs! Thank you Jill! I love that you are my sister.

Angela made sure I was ready for the hospital stay. And on top of that I know that she will be watching my classroom. It is so nice to be reassured that things will be taken care of. Thank you Ang! I love you.

Aunt Margaret and Katie Joe came down to visit. And look at this stinkin cute quilt she made for me. Perfect for my recovery, but perfect for my life! She is so talented. And she knows how to be Brave through hard surgeries. She is an inspiration to me. And Katie is such an amazing, Brave mom.... Your kids are adorable and you have so many!!!!

Scott and Holly know exactly the things I crave. I will not run out of lemon drops. I love you. 

And I love the bracelet Holly. I put it on and Dallas told me that I couldn't wear it yet!! He said I had to wait until after. I told him that I survived a C-section with him and that made me a survivor already! I love it and I will survive! You are so great to me. You really are my truest sister and have been for years. I can tell you anything and ask you for anything. Thank you. I love you. 

I've got my essentials packed: my robe, iPad and laptop. Lip gloss, hand sanitizer, pillows for my armpits, lanyards for the drains, eyemask so I can sleep during the day. I'm going to watch Dvd's and read books:

Thank you for the books Danna. Hopefully I can stay awake long enough to read them. My department head graded all my timed writings for me. I was overwhelmed with texts and phone calls of support. My day of growling turned into shame for forgetting how lucky I am to have such a loving support network.

Joey drew a bubble bath for me to relax and now I won't growl anymore. Unless I do a cute growl.... My niece Amelia sent me an audio file of a story and at the end it has her growling as a tiger... A cute, friendly growl that was accompanied with an "I Love You"! So let me just say before I go to bed I love all of you and thank you for your support and prayers and positive thoughts. Joey and Holly will update tomorrow. Now I will release my sense of control over my home and family and allow my faith to step in......

Patience

Today was our last golf day of the season. And for me it will be some time before I can swing a golf club.... I have learned to love the game of golf. It teaches me so many valuable lessons. It makes me slow down. I have to detach from my worries and concerns. And most of all I need to be calm and patient. This is hard for most golfers which is why it is such a challenging sport. You have this stupid little ball and every angle, stroke and stance alters the result of your swing. 

I'm still a new golfer so every time I get up to the tee I have to get my stance correct. I check my hand placement. I adjust the angle of my club and I always try to do a practice swing. Then I can adjust for any errors for the actual swing. But I am NOT a patient person. I tend to want to rush through these steps and then I'm frustrated when I slice the ball or make a huge divot 6 inches behind the ball. There is great value in learning the lesson of patience. 

This experience has taught me to have patience. From the day of my first doctor exam I have had to be patient. We had to wait for tests to be completed. We had to wait to meet with doctors. We had to wait to find a surgery date. We have to wait for chemo until I am healed from surgery. We have to wait for reconstruction. We have to wait to be cancer free. 

There is a reason why I am being tested. Maybe it is that I need to develop more patience. I feel at peace the moment we pull into the parking lot at Oakridge. I sense that although I might have setbacks in my game I am relieved of all stress and can focus on that little ball. 

I wish that my approach to cancer could be so simple. I need to find peace and trust my loved ones and doctors. I need to focus on one thing.... Beating cancer! 

That will be the greatest hole in one!

How do you sleep?

Yup... It is almost 1 am. The only way that I can sleep now is if I take a Unisom. My brain is going nonstop and I'm too anxious. The day is not far away.... I don't want it to be here already because I'm scared, but I want it to be here because I'm so tired of waiting.

And so I received my new Amazon purchase today. And I think it may be the greatest thing invented. I love to sleep on my stomach! I love to sleep on my side. How do you sleep? Does anyone really sleep on their back? And really.... I have to sleep on my back for an entire year???

Julie asked me what I was going to do Monday morning before my surgery and I told her I was going to stay on my stomach for as long as I could. 

I can't sleep on my side. And for sure not on my stomach. It is going to be a LONG year. And then my "bagel" arrived. (That is what Joey calls it!) My mom knew it had arrived by the huge box in my garage. And it will be my source if heaven when I try to sleep:

Check out that sucker!!! My head rests in the top hole against the pillow and my butt goes in the bottom hole. And it is divine!!! In fact, I think I might try to go back to bed just so my bagel pillow can hug me! Sleep tight and enjoy sleeping on your side.... :(

Count your blessings

Tonight I was reminded that I needed to count my blessings. Sometimes you receive inspiration when you don't want it and when you least expect it. My great aunt, Doris, is suffering from dimentia. She has not been doing well lately. Keep in mind she is the happiest 90 year old alive! I was anxious about when I would see her next and I wouldn't be able to see her once my hair falls out... That would be so confusing to her. She has been a source of great comfort and I have so many great memories of her. 

Every Christmas we would go to her house and the cousins would play in the basement. She came to all my birthday parties and recitals. Her cabin in Yellowstone is the greatest. I remember her taking Shondell and I out looking for bears at 2 am. We didn't find any bears but we thought we might die from her drowsy driving! She was the greatest teacher of how to cheat in a game of cards..... Not because she was dishonest...she just wanted to see the kids beat the adults. You never left a card game to go to the bathroom or you wouldn't like your cards when you returned! Mikayla loves Aunt Doris and has memories of her squirrels and playing Sorry. 

Today I expected a super sad visit. And there she was... Happy as could be. I'm not sure that she recognized me, but she knew my dad. The conversation was not easy but she was happy and loving. We decided to pray with her.... And that was when things got interesting. She decided right as Joey was praying to start into an opera... "O Sole Mio". My mom and I couldn't quite contain our giggles and it took all that my dad and Joey had to finish their prayer. 

As we were about to leave she started to sing a church hymn... She knew the tune but not all the words. She knew, "When upon life's billows we are ...." And that was it. She kept trying to remember the words. So we decided to sing with her. We sang the song a few times. And she sang it a few more times!!! 

And I was watching an amazing woman... She was nearing the end of her life. She has few visitors. She is confined to a chair in her home. She can't remember things or keep them clear.... And she was prompted to sing to me....I need to count my blessings. 

I am so blessed to have met the love of my life. 

I am so blessed to have amazing children: Greyden, Gage, Cassidy, Mikayla, Dallas and Savana.

I am so grateful for loving parents who are the greatest.

I am so blessed for my in-laws: MiKell, Moe, Laila, Larry, Anita, Lee, Joe, and Connie. They have all influenced my life.

I am so blessed by wonderful brothers and sisters. They love so big!

I am so blessed for my occupation and the talents I have that enable me to be a great teacher. 

I am so blessed for my friends and neighbors. They are too numerous to count. 

I am so blessed for my home, my city, my country.

I am so blessed that we found the cancer before it spread past the curable point. And I am so blessed that we have wonderful doctors and nurses so close. 

Doris taught me a valuable lesson. Instead of dealing on my fears...I need to count my blessings. 

Leaving my classroom

I love my job. My days are never the same. These kids make me laugh. These kids drive me crazy! These kids inspire me. But to think of leaving my classroom for a week and maybe longer is so overwhelming. These are my kids. And since I teach sophomores I care about a bunch of juniors and seniors at the school since they were my kids just recently. 

Some of my craziest memories were teaching junior high. I remember a boy putting a string in his nostril and pulling it out of his throat. So he was holding one end of the string with his left hand that was coming out if his nose and the right hand was holding the string that was coming out of his throat..... And he was so proud of himself. Another time I asked a student to flip the lights off for me. And he literally flipped the bird up at the lights.....Once I told a student to NOT get out of his desk again. At the end of the class I told them to turn in their assignments to the in box. And this kid is hopping in his desk to the in box. I asked him what he thought he was doing......"well you said not to get out of my desk again"!

My high schoolers are a little more mature.... But not much! But they keep me young! But I love teaching and I feel a lot if pressure to help these kids succeed.  

It is hard to plan lessons and know that you won't be there teaching them. I have two great subs that I trust. But I didn't decide to teach so that I could turn over my passion to someone else. I WANT to be teaching them. 

I had all my lesson plans ready to go for two weeks and then the worst thing..... I got behind in my teaching and do I had to revise ALL of them! Grrrrr! 

I was actually so sad yesterday and today knowing that I won't see these kids for awhile. I have to trust that they will behave, be respectful and still learn while I am away.

I am reminded daily that they love me and that their parents are being so supportive. I know as a parent it would be hard to know my kids teacher is missing a lot of school and hope that their education doesn't suffer. I can say that although I'm not their I am trying my best to make sure these kids don't miss a beat. In fact, without my stupid stories and music and walking on tables they might actually get more done in class!!

I received this awesome playlist from a parent (not sure if they would want to be names) and it made my day. It is her own playlist of songs to cheer me up! It just made me cry and I was touched to know that I had the support of parents. And yes!! She even wrote about me walking on tables.... I wonder what other stories these kids take home! 

And then I took a step back today. I got an anonymous letter in my box in the office from a student at our school who told me that they have not had me as a teacher.

The student goes on to say that they have had breast cancer. She has a mass that is being monitored by doctors. She has had one tumor previously removed and a month ago they found another one.

Then she gives me advice on how to stay positive. She told me to laugh, cry if I need to, rely on Heavenly Father, and dance and sing. Then she said, "You can do it. You can beat it. Hair and boobs mean nothing compared to your heart and who you are. You are BRAVE and you will best this." This is a teenager.... How impressive? She told me that she wishes she had my strength, conviction, attitude, smile, perseverance, heart, love.... I wish I knew who this student is so that I could tell then that they are ALL those things. My students teach me and support me. And I am so grateful that this is my profession. I love my job and my kids!

Chemo must haves

My first battle is the surgery, but as soon as my tissues have healed enough they begin chemotherapy. This could happen as early as two weeks after surgery or possibly as long out as four weeks.

There are two different chemo approaches for my type of cancer. At the time of surgery they will send my tissues off to pathology to determine the best course for chemo. I will do eighteen weeks of treatment either way.

Option1- (my preferred method) This is once every three weeks.  Followed by a year of Herceptin infusions. 

Option 2- This is once every two weeks four four sessions. It is then followed up by once a week until you reach 18 weeks. Then the Herceptin is administered for a year.

Chemo takes forever. Huntsman starts by drawing your blood before chemo and it is sent to the lab. This is how they mix your perfect chemo. That takes 45 minutes. Then you wait for your chemo to be produced....another 45 minutes. Then you wait for an opening in the infusion room, maybe 20 minutes. Then it takes 90 minutes once the infusions begin.

The following day you return for a shot. And then you wait for symptoms to present.

Obviously I can't tell you more than that until it begins. But I am a planner so I have been scouring the internet to get advice. 

Following is an excerpt about what chemo does:

"The body is made up of trillions of normal healthy cells. Cancer starts when something causes changes in a normal cell. This cancer cell then grows out of control and makes more cancer cells. Each type of cancer affects the body in different ways. If cancer is not treated, it can spread and affect the rest of your body.
Chemo kills cancer cells. These drugs can affect normal cells, too. (Especially fast growing cells) This is why you loose hair, nails, etc.  But most normal cells can repair themselves over time."
-American Cancer Society

Here is the shopping list I compiled from many different sources. I would love to credit them all, but since I read it at 2 am one night I forgot to keep my citations!! So credit goes to the angels who guided me through the internet.

Each doctor prefers either Aleve, Advil or Tylenol based on your specific chemo cocktail. Better to have all three in hand! And Immodium is a must! Grrrr!

Pedialyte is great for when you are dehydrated from the runs.... (Sorry!) Colacd for the opposite problem from the pain medication. Dry mouth rinse for the sore in your mouth. Chemo makes you produce less saliva. And this Peroxyl mix is for sores that appear in your mouth. Everyone recommends getting fluoride treatments from your dentist while having chemo. Guess I better call Paul Larsen!! He is the greatest dentist!

You need a new reliable thermometer to monitor your temperature for infections. Tears since your eyes dry out and hurt. Pampers and flush able wipes for oh so tender private parts due to the side effects.

What can you eat? What can you keep down? Think of the BRAT diet. Bread, rice, applesauce, toast. One lady loved animal crackers. Another swears by saltines. And everyone says to suck on lemon drops during the actual infusion to disguise the chemo taste. They suggest having cottage cheese and egg beaters. Soup was a suggestion and my favorite two were orange Popsicles and lemon sorbet!!

New toothbrushes to avoid bacteria. And spin brushes if you have had mastectomy. Kleenex for leaky eyes and for sad days. 

Of course hand sanitizer and Clorox wipes are essential.

And it was recommended to use Udderly Smooth hand cream.

Most of our blog readers won't need all this info, but this was helpful to me to gather this information. I'm not excited for chemo.... In fact I'm scared. But I am awaiting the day that the chemo will start to kill my cancer cells. That thought comforts me.