"Gone, Gone, Gone"
When life leaves you high and dry
I'll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help.
I'll shut down the city lights,
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well.
When enemies are at your door
I'll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help.
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well.
Give me reasons to believe
That you would do the same for me.
And I would do it for you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You will never sleep alone.
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
When you fall like a statue
I'm gon' be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet.
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me.
Tell me what you need, what do you need?
I surrender honestly.
You've always done the same for me.
So I would do it for you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on,
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You will never sleep alone.
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
You're my back bone.
You're my cornerstone.
You're my crutch when my legs stop moving.
You're my head start.
You're my rugged heart.
You're the pulse that I've always needed.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum my heart never stops beating...
For you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on.
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You will never sleep alone.
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on,
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You will never sleep alone.
I love you long, long after you're gone.
I have realized that through the past week I have had many loved ones who have been my back bone. They are there to catch me and they are at my door to make me well. Most of all when my hope has felt like it was dangling by a string my loved ones were there sharing my suffering. They want to make me well.
We arrived at the hospital last Monday morning at 8 am. We didn't wait too long and we met my surgeon as he reviewed the plans for the morning. He injected radioactive die under my left nipple which shows the course of the cancer as it exits the breast and infiltrates the lymph system. This is designed to remove as much of the cancer as possible. He discussed with us whether or not they would remove all lymph nodes. His recommendation based on my young age was to be aggressive and attempt to ensure that the cancer would never come back. Joey and I agreed with this plan.
We were then moved into a pre-op room for them to get me ready. Pregnancy test was negative!! Yup they check everyone! They started an IV which finally worked the 2nd time. My plastic surgeon came in to discuss my wish to try to save the nipples. After an emotional conversation it was deemed better for long term success and less risks in the future to remove them. This was hard....:(
I gave my mom a long, hard hug and gave Joey a big kiss and they wheeled me away as they were injecting some relaxing medicine into the IV. The last thing I remember was telling my anesthesiologist that we were in a Nascar race but I was in a gurney... Not a car! I told him to go faster!
And I was out.... The surgery was scheduled for 3-4 hours and it took 5 1/2 hours. My surgeon visited my family frequently with updates. I was in recovery for a few hours and finally wheeled into my room on the 5th floor around 6 pm. What a long day for my family. They were sharing my suffering. They were anxious and nervous. I first started complaining about my left leg hurting in the recovery room and I couldn't quit complaining about this. I guess the compression from my leg had caused some bruising and abrasions. I couldn't feel my chest or anything else. I just wanted to complain about my leg! They gave me a morphine pump which I could touch every ten minutes for fast pain relief. But it wore off quickly so you had to push it every ten minutes. Joey stayed by my side all night and helped wake me up so that I could push my morphine. It was hard to get much sleep when I had to keep pushing that button. But I couldn't get mad at the button because it made the pain go away. The most I would sleep was 30 minutes at a time. Eventually Joey went to sleep on the hide-a-bed in the hospital room. My mom and dad went to our house to take care of things there. My brother was already there edging our lawn. Jill and Jared picked up the kids after school and fed and entertained them until they brought them home for bed.
The nurses checked on me frequently throughout the night. My mom had made up a candy jar so I could offer the nurses a treat when they came to care for me. This was awesome! I was never without a nurse, but I did want to sleep! At 6 am (which felt like 3 am) the doctors were making rounds and the residents told me they were taking away the morphine pump. This was not okay. My head wasn't clear and I figured this meant I was done with pain medicine. Time to be tough! But I had tried to get up and go to the bathroom and the pain on my left side was excruciating. Why would they take the relief away? What I didn't understand was that they were just moving me to oral pain medications. But in my panic I needed Joey. He was asleep on the hide-a-bed with earplugs in! I was yelling..."Joey, they are taking away the morphine". All I got was snoring.... So I had a half empty bottle of water next to me and I figured I'd throw it and it might hit his feet.....um I hit his face! Oops! He woke up and found out my panic was misplaced and reassured me. Now he makes sure that I don't sleep with water bottles within reach.
My mom arrived in the morning after the kids went to school and spent time with me until lunch. It was so nice to have my mom brush my hair and hold my hand. She will never stop being my mom. She wants to take this from me and I see hurt in her eyes because she wants to take the pain away from me. My dad stopped by and my aunt, Leslie. (Thanks for the book! I had a hard time trying to keep my eyes open to read!) My mom brought the three young kids up around 4 to have a short visit. It was great to see them, but I could see the fear in their eyes....BSD Medical (my dad and brother's work) sent flowers and Joey's dad and Laila sent up flowers. Around 6 MiKell and Moe showed up and my brother stopped by to visit. I was coming back to my room from a short walk. MiKell is one of the strongest women I know and the emotions were too hard for her to contain. She has been through this and understands this pain. She couldn't hold back her tears. She gave me a gorgeous pink Tory Burch gift set. They stayed with me and talked and watched tv. They watched me sleep. They watched my breathing and just loved me. The shift changed at 9 when my mom came to sleep over in case I needed help. The night was actually much better. I only woke up twice. We had breakfast together and the doctors did their visits planning and preparing me to go home. I had another visit from my aunt, Kathy. It was so nice to see another family member. I was feeling awesome! Everything was recovering well. There is some skin on my chest that may not live. In that case they would need to do a skin graft. Joey got to shower me for the first time with the help of the nurse. And I got to put on clothes and figure out to attach the drains to my clothes. I found a suggestion to use lanyards for my drains and it works beautifully. The first morning I was scared at the thought of going home, but now I was ready to see my kids, my dogs, my bed. I wanted to be next to my man.
Through the hospital visit I was reminded how much support and love I had in my corner. I wasn't in my phone or Facebook, but Joey was constantly trying to update friends and loved ones. And just like the song says.... I have an enemy at my door and I can't be carried away, but the support I have lifts me through the damage the enemy is throwing my way. Cancer doesn't have a chance! So to cancer I say..."You are Gone, Gone, Gone"!
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