Scary fears

Ghosts and goblins are going to be out tonight. I don't do well in scary movies. I scream out loud in theaters. I'm scared of the wind. I'm scared of snakes, mice and spiders. But lately my fears have shifted. I have started having bad dreams. I don't remember them, but Joey said last night I was crying in my sleep and when he woke me up I said that I was crying because Dominoes had gotten our order wrong......what? I remember a dream a few nights ago when I dreamt that the fridge had fallen on my chest and the pain was unbearable. Odd fears? New fears? Misplaced fears? 

Pain now gives me fear. Waiting for test results gives me fear. Watching Joey carry so many burdens makes me fear. I watch the kids for changes and anticipate and over compensate for their fears. I watch our parents experience fear which makes me fearful. I wonder if they missed any cancer cells in surgery. I wonder when the pain will stop. I wonder when I will feel normal. And yet I still hold it together with my fears just under the surface. 

This week I returned to work. I was fearful of what would happen the last week of the term if I wasn't there. Angela had done an amazing job of keeping things updated, but I needed to be there. And yet I was fearful of going. I didn't know if I could make it. I compromised and taught half days this week. Joey drove me to and from work every day. He walked me into my classroom. My mom brought me lunch every day. And I did it. I survived. It wasn't always easy but I managed. 

We have had lots of friends sign up to bring in meals through our online calendar, lotsahelpinghands. Thank you for the meals. As I watched my fears arise each day I was scared, but then I watched then dissipate. So what are your greatest fears? And how to we tackle those fears? And what do we learn from those moments? 

I learned that sometimes it is okay to just let go and trust others to take care of things. This is so hard for me. I have trusted before and been hurt. It is a fearful thing to let down your guard and to trust again. 

I learned that I have a lot of people who have my back. I was fearful of how I would make it through each day. Whether it was a teacher getting me ice, a student helping me carry something, a treat to make me happy, an unexpected package in the mail from a loved one.... I am overwhelmed with love! Sometimes in my life I have had doubts that I have deep, true friends. Sometimes when things get rough you find out who your true friends are....AND the most overwhelming thing is that I have so many more true friends than I ever imagined. You feel guilty accepting gifts and help, but then you realize that they just want to do something to show you how much they love and care about you. My fear was replaced with humility from the acts of kindness shown to me. 

I learned that sometimes you never know who might be touched by your journey. I have received notes of love from my dad's work associate in Germany, my mother-in-law receives emails of well wishes to forward to me, and friends I haven't heard from in years comfort me. So fear about sharing my journey.... Fear of my words being analyzed...  Fear of wondering how to say the right things in the right way- this fear was replaced by reassurance. If I share my heart and it is true and honest then there is nothing to fear.

I learned that my husband is an amazing realtor. He works so hard and he loves what he does. When I have needed to get out he drives me to amazing places that even after living here all my life I have never encountered. I watch his passion for his job and love that he is my support. He is amazing!  He quickly showed me how brilliant he is at his job. And the bonus is that I love what he does. I love to go look at homes with him. I love meeting his clients. Some of you have seen this first hand when I tag along. My fears change to passion as he provides an escape for me. We get to experience the historical avenues in Salt Lake. We enjoy the comforts and beauty of Davis County.  His energy is contagious. And he always throws in stories during our adventures that take me far from the worries of the day.

So then I look to the positive things to help me get through the fearful moments:

We received great reports from our doctors this week. The skin we thought that might die looks better every day. Two of the four tubes are out. AND I was scared for them to remove them and it didn't hurt. My left arm is very sore but I am learning that it is normal. It feels like your skin is burnt off and all your nerves are exposed from the lack of lymph nodes. They took out 27 lymph nodes! But as my doctors love and reassure me the pain gets easier to bear. The doctors are confident that we have clear margins!

My plastic surgeon loves me! And he loves Joey. And he is the guy we will see the most!! And he will make me feel like a woman again in a year and ease more fears. My general surgeon has now released me from his care and is turning me over to the oncologist next week. I have fear about chemo still but I know that I can do it with the love I feel. 

I learned that love gets you over your fears. Patience and learning will calm your insecurities. So tonight as the doorbell rings and I see the joy on the faces of the kids when they get candy I need to remember that when we face our fears we get rewards. We don't have to feel alone. We have loved ones that will hold our hands through our scariest moments. 

My biggest fear still remains and has been unspoken except to Joey. I look at our kids getting in their Halloween costumes and I am grateful for every moment. Because I have that small fear..... Will I be here for years to come? And I do feel confident that I will be, but it is a fear that must be conquered. I need to feel every bit of pain and fight hard to look that fear straight in the face and overcome and become a survivor. 

(Gage as Superman..... Dallas as Glowman)

(Savana as Queen of Hearts.... Mikayla as Supergirl)

(Bailey as a ladybug)

(Cobi as a miserable honeybee)

(Me as Sue Sylvester from Glee)

And the LOVE doctor!! So appropriate for all the time we spend up at Huntsman.... And a few fantasies.

So tonight and at any point when we feel fear .... Replace it with love! Find strength in your loved ones and trust that they are there for the long haul. Don't be scared.... Be BRAVE!