A Brave roller coaster ride

This morning was the beginning of quite a roller coaster ride. We had to be at Huntsman Cancer Institute at 6:45 am for the petscan. The insurance finally approved this test! Joey wasn't allowed to go with me back into the room and I was on my own. The IV was easy and then I started to drink a Berry Smoothie. Let me be clear....there isn't much about this contrast fluid that is Berry and nothing about is smooth. It feels like mucous going down your throat.

As I'm drinking two bottles they inject radioactive die into the IV and it sits for 75 minutes. As you are waiting you can't do anything. They don't want your brain working or it can show brain activity that would conflict with the cancer detection. So I'm trying to think about if I'm thinking which is making me think. And for the past few weeks all I've done is try to stay busy and not think. And the whole time I'm missing Joey. Then it is time for the pictures....

This is the machine that takes the photos for 30 minutes. And just before you start the inject some fluid into your IV. She said that the side effects of the injection would be a really warm feeling like a hot flash and that I might feel like I peed my pants. What an odd side effect! And sure enough a hot burning feeling and I had to ask her if she was sure I didn't just pee? And she reassured me that I didn't. And I got to experience that twice. What a crazy feeling! After the test... Which I'm sure I was snoring during they sent me on my way. 

The roller coaster continued when I saw Joey I was so happy to have my rock next to me. It is crazy how much I rely on him for my peace and security. 

We were feeling pretty good and then I missed a phone call from my oncologist. The message that was left was so alarming. They said they needed to talk to me and that if I called back and missed them to leave a message and they would get back to me as soon as possible. And then it was their lunch and I couldn't get ahold of them. Joey and I both thought the worst. Our petscan must show cancer somewhere else in my body. How could we not allow this thinking to occur? So we did the logical thing and decided to stress eat!! Junk food! It cures all woes, right? 

In the meantime I am having a meltdown because I can't style my hair. And I try three different times. We decide to go for a drive and we took the photo at the top of the blog. (Notice my wig in the photo?) Then I was attacked by Box Elder Bugs.....and I realize I am not brave with bugs. As a 4 year old I went to preschool at Cindy Strong's house and she had so many Box Elder Bugs by her entrance to the preschool. I was always so afraid to walk through the bugs....

We finally heard back from Dr. Ward's office and we get GREAT news. The petscan is negative. The cancer is only in the lymph nodes under the arm and in the breast. This is wonderful and an answer to our prayers. Thank you for all of you who were fasting and praying on our behalf. And another twist of my roller coaster is crying to Kaliee about my hair and tell her I'm wearing the wig because I can't style it. As usual she finds a way to find time for me and she helps me style it. And I feel confident again.... Wait... I hope I can sleep on my hair and it will look good in the morning because I don't think I can knock on Kaliee's door at 6:30 am everyday!!

The roller coaster does continue as we nail down our decisions on where and when and how to begin. Surgery first? Chemo first? Both give the same survival rate. There could be risks with surgery after going through chemo and the chemo could decrease the tumor. But we were told that a mastectomy was the approach in either case so we have decided to have the double mastectomy on Oct 21st. They will remove both breasts and the lymph nodes under the left arm. Recovery is three weeks. They will place 4 drains and tissue expanders in the chest so that reconstruction can be done later down the road. At week 3 (2nd week if November we will begin chemo treatments. I will also visit the plastic surgeon each week and they inject saline into each tissue expander. Chemo will last 18 weeks and the tissue expansion will last 3 months. After that is done we will begin 6 weeks of radiation. Then they wait for 3 months for the tissues to heal. At this point the last surgery is to pull back muscle forward to become new breast tissue to cushion the silicone implants they will insert in place of the tissue expanded. This will take place next fall and then the roller coaster ride will be over!

 I'm brave enough to ride roller coasters but I hate the side effects. I approach Wicked at Lagoon with a little fear and a little uncertainty about my safety. And although there is a brief moment if joy along the ride overall I feel old and tired and nauseous. I will be brave on this roller coaster ride, but I do have fear and anxiety. I know there will be moments of joy, but I know that there will get many moments when I will feel old and tired and sick. 

I am just very grateful for the companions that I have along for the ride. Thank you for screaming, cheering, waiting, supporting, crying, and praying with me. Hold on tight and let's enjoy the ride.